- Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
- Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
- The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
- Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.
- Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
- This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Labels: General, George Bush, US, US President
¶ 5/09/2008 03:26:00 AM
A man and his ever-nagging wife went away on vacation to Jerusalem. Sadly, while they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or, you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about this for a few seconds and told the undertake to make arrangements for having his wife shipped home.
The undertaker slightly puzzled asked the man, "Why you would spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land AND save yourself a bunch of money in the process?"
The man replied, "A long time ago, there was a man who died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer , along for the company.
One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Labels: animals, General, Wise
¶ 5/06/2008 11:00:00 PM Samantha is a croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night
Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor,
While her baking instructor "popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week".
Pub which has a sign saying: "Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear".
I am sorry, Samantha won't be able to join us tonight as she has had to meet a bee keeper friend in Warrington. Samantha has recently taken up Bee keeping and has around 3 dozen so far. Her friend quite often frees her thirty eight bees and has them flying around his head!
Samantha spent several hours down in the gramophone archive earlier, choosing four of the very best, and those magnificent hits are about to be given an airing for the teams' delight. She'll soon have them swinging along to the music.,
Samantha, can't be with us today as she's away helping an elderly neighbour clear out for a house move. This morning she sorted his box room and later she's going to join him in the attic to have a good rummage in his trunks.
Samantha has drawn my attention to several misunderstandings in past introductions to this round, as she takes her preparation work for it very seriously. She insists we spend hours in the gramophone archive researching records, and I can't tell you how long she keeps me down there. However, she retains her sense of humour, and if I ever do slip up she always gives me a reassuring smile when I put it incorrectly.
I spent a frankly unrewarding half hour down there this morning, until Samantha generously offered to help me out. Strictly speaking, her contract doesn't cover research, and by asking her to have an unpaid poke amongst the record stack I might have put her in an awkward position, but she didn't mind.
Samantha spent a few hours browsing among the shelves in the singles archive this week, and as a result of a rewarding poke in the country section, she was thrilled to discover a mint condition 7 inch Boxcar Willie.
As ever, Samantha spent some hours down in the gramophone archive selecting the team's discs. You know, she puts in a lot of hard work on this round and she gets a bit fed up with silly comments about the way she 'checks the teams' 7 inchers' or 'pulls out my reproduction equipment and twists my knob'. Samantha tells me she tries to take no notice of these pathetic, puerile critics, but it isn't always easy to ignore her knockers.
Samantha has spent a rewarding evening amongst the shelves down in the gramophone archive. As ever, her keen eye has spotted a firm favourite or two, and she couldn't resist getting them down.
Samantha has been busying herself down in the gramophone archive, pulling out a 7 incher for each of the teams, and checking closely for damage. She was disappointed to see one or two were worn almost flat through over use. Fortunately, she has a couple of fine 45s in reserve for just such an emergency, and will be getting them out soon to put things right.
The above are allegedly double entendre by Humphrey Richard Adeane Lyttelton (23 May 1921 – 25 April 2008) - Website
Labels: General, playonwords
¶ 5/02/2008 02:33:00 AM 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
Labels: General, kids, mother, Wise, Women
¶ 4/17/2008 08:10:00 AM It was opening night at the Glasgow Empire and "The Amazing Claude" was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced that unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite 2 or 3 people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, he intended to hypnotize the whole audience. The atmosphere was electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique watch from his coat. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch. It is a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generation".
Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.....".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into dozens of pieces.
"Shit!!", said the hypnotist...
It took five days to clean up the theatre.
Labels: funny stories, General
¶ 10/01/2007 12:50:00 PM A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?" "A seagull crapped in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook." ¶ 9/05/2007 11:40:00 AM One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don´t know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't´ help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I´ll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I´ll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't´make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"Labels: General, Men vs Women, money, Old Men
¶ 9/05/2007 11:37:00 AM While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
Restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant
and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her
glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been
driving about 20 minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he scolded her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at
the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to
retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"
Labels: General, Life, men, Men vs Women, Old Men
¶ 8/17/2007 01:29:00 PM 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know¶ 7/30/2007 01:03:00 PM
where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change
the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? !
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The
move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly
salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead the office has incurred during the last 6 years.
"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,"
stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).
"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level
of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume the
office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United
States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus
making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320
(USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference
between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few
offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me
to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in
an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped
I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues
either.
It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the
Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect
staffing efficiency at the Dell call center. Special interests and
lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts.
It is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent
annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. Economy.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he
can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying
issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the
spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final
day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits
will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the
outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and
prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A
greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive
experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably
revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If
nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators.
Labels: General, George Bush, US, US President
¶ 6/28/2007 09:41:00 AM I crashed my car into the back of another at a traffic light this morning.
The guy got out of his car and he was a dwarf!
He said "I'm not happy!"
So I said "Well, which one are you then?"
Labels: General, good news bad news
¶ 6/02/2007 06:46:00 PM A city gent is driving through the countryside when he comes to a stream he has to drive across.
Sitting on the riverbank is a local yokel so he stops the car and asks "Hey, country chappie. How deep is that stream?"
The yokel chews a bit on his straw and says "Arr but it be just a few inches deep".
City gent starts the car and drives into the stream. The front wheels go into the stream and suddenly the car tips forward and sinks.
City gent manages to get out of the car and swim back to the riverbank. Gasping and spitting water he shouts "You ignorant peasant - you said the stream was just a few inches deep!".
Yokel takes the straw out of his mouth, scratches his head and says "Now that be funny - the water only comes 'alf way up the ducks" ¶ 4/16/2007 04:39:00 PM
So the new conductor addresses the orchestra.
He tells them that things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on time and that they will work for many long hours.
The timpanist, expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM.
The conductor, whirling around furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!"
Labels: General
¶ 4/16/2007 04:33:00 AM A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled," he said. "We're in a big hurry, so let's not fool around with gas or Novocaine or any of that stuff."
"You're a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
¶ 4/16/2007 04:13:00 AM A man running for mayor was making a speech, and thundered, "I want you people to know that there are over two dozen brothels in this town, and I have never been to one of them!"
A voice from the back yelled out, "Which one?" ¶ 3/20/2007 09:50:00 AM
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh...
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh...
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh...
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh...
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh...
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh...
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh...
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh...
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh...
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh...
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh...
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh...
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh...
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh...
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh...
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh...
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh...
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh...
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh...
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh...
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh...
Labels: General, playonwords
¶ 3/20/2007 09:26:00 AM A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male
¶ 3/20/2007 09:07:00 AM
