'Tickling the Bone'

How to save the Airlines (Open Letter to the NY Times)

2008-05-09T03:26:00.001+01:00

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

A man and his ever-nagging wife...

2008-05-07T00:01:00.001+01:00

A man and his ever-nagging wife went away on vacation to Jerusalem. Sadly, while they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or, you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about this for a few seconds and told the undertake to make arrangements for having his wife shipped home.
The undertaker slightly puzzled asked the man, "Why you would spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land AND save yourself a bunch of money in the process?"
The man replied, "A long time ago, there was a man who died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"

Old Dogs

2008-05-06T23:00:00.001+01:00

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer , along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Humphrey Lyttelton: Double entendre

2008-05-02T02:33:00.000+01:00

Samantha is a croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night

Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor,

While her baking instructor "popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week".

Pub which has a sign saying: "Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear".

I am sorry, Samantha won't be able to join us tonight as she has had to meet a bee keeper friend in Warrington. Samantha has recently taken up Bee keeping and has around 3 dozen so far. Her friend quite often frees her thirty eight bees and has them flying around his head!

Samantha spent several hours down in the gramophone archive earlier, choosing four of the very best, and those magnificent hits are about to be given an airing for the teams' delight. She'll soon have them swinging along to the music.,

Samantha, can't be with us today as she's away helping an elderly neighbour clear out for a house move. This morning she sorted his box room and later she's going to join him in the attic to have a good rummage in his trunks.

Samantha has drawn my attention to several misunderstandings in past introductions to this round, as she takes her preparation work for it very seriously. She insists we spend hours in the gramophone archive researching records, and I can't tell you how long she keeps me down there. However, she retains her sense of humour, and if I ever do slip up she always gives me a reassuring smile when I put it incorrectly.

I spent a frankly unrewarding half hour down there this morning, until Samantha generously offered to help me out. Strictly speaking, her contract doesn't cover research, and by asking her to have an unpaid poke amongst the record stack I might have put her in an awkward position, but she didn't mind.

Samantha spent a few hours browsing among the shelves in the singles archive this week, and as a result of a rewarding poke in the country section, she was thrilled to discover a mint condition 7 inch Boxcar Willie.

As ever, Samantha spent some hours down in the gramophone archive selecting the team's discs. You know, she puts in a lot of hard work on this round and she gets a bit fed up with silly comments about the way she 'checks the teams' 7 inchers' or 'pulls out my reproduction equipment and twists my knob'. Samantha tells me she tries to take no notice of these pathetic, puerile critics, but it isn't always easy to ignore her knockers.

Samantha has spent a rewarding evening amongst the shelves down in the gramophone archive. As ever, her keen eye has spotted a firm favourite or two, and she couldn't resist getting them down.

Samantha has been busying herself down in the gramophone archive, pulling out a 7 incher for each of the teams, and checking closely for damage. She was disappointed to see one or two were worn almost flat through over use. Fortunately, she has a couple of fine 45s in reserve for just such an emergency, and will be getting them out soon to put things right.

The above are allegedly double entendre by Humphrey Richard Adeane Lyttelton (23 May 1921 – 25 April 2008) - Website

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

2008-04-17T08:10:00.000+01:00

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

Old Guys and Rye Bread

2008-01-22T14:07:00.001Z

Two older guys, one 70 and one 77, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning. The 77 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even short of breath.

The 70 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.

The 77 year old said 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 70 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?' She said, 'Yes, there's a whole
shelf of it. Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves, by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
but me.'

"The Amazing Claude"

2007-10-01T12:50:00.001+01:00

It was opening night at the Glasgow Empire and "The Amazing Claude" was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced that unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite 2 or 3 people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, he intended to hypnotize the whole audience. The atmosphere was electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique watch from his coat. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch. It is a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generation".
Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.....".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into dozens of pieces.
"Shit!!", said the hypnotist...
It took five days to clean up the theatre.

Banged up Pirate

2007-09-05T11:40:00.001+01:00

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull crapped in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Not a Word

2007-09-05T11:37:00.001+01:00

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don´t know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't´ help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I´ll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I´ll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't´make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

Women Smarter then Men?

2007-08-23T20:23:00.001+01:00

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

Doctor, Doctor

2007-08-21T19:35:00.001+01:00

A man walks into the doctors and says: " Doctor, Doctor, you have got to help me. I keep thinking that I am a moth!"
The Doctor says " I cannot help you. You should have gone to the psychiatrist next door!"
The man replies:" I know, I only came in here because your light was on!"

Elderly Men (Or is it just men?)

2007-08-17T13:29:00.001+01:00

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
Restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant
and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her
glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been
driving about 20 minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he scolded her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at
the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to
retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"

Passenger on a Plane

2007-08-01T16:56:00.001+01:00

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; When ever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

9 Things I hate about people

2007-07-30T13:03:00.001+01:00

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know 
where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch 
when I ask where the toilet is? 

 
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room 
for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change 
the channel manually. 

 
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". 
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 

 
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. 
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do 
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 

 
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I 
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 

 
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a 
choice there, did ya sunshine? 


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then 
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then 
there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 

 
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest 
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? ! 

 
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come 
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?

American Beers

2007-07-25T16:17:00.001+01:00

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

2007-07-23T21:14:00.001+01:00

Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have thirteen stitches in his forehead.

Women's Ass size study

2007-07-18T12:45:00.001+01:00

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him. He's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

2007-07-09T07:43:00.001+01:00

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, July 12th, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 
PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting 
The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued
to the survivors. Check specials in your coupon books, and do not
leave them laying around where the ol lady will find them.

"The Answer"

2007-07-05T08:04:00.000+01:00

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His
business was failing, he had put everything he had
into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad
he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort
he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears
and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what
I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in
your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach
chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the
beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the
Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open
Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the
page and read the first thing you see. That will be your
answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest
and brought his wife and children with him. The man
was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink
coat, the children shining.

The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with
money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a
donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious.
"You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

2007-06-28T09:41:00.000+01:00

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The
move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly
salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead the office has incurred during the last 6 years.

"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,"
stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).

"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level
of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume the
office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United
States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus
making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320
(USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference
between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few
offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me
to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in
an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped
I would be President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues
either.

It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the
Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect
staffing efficiency at the Dell call center. Special interests and
lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts.
It is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent
annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. Economy.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he
can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying
issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the
spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final
day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.

He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits
will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the
outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and
prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A
greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive
experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably
revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If
nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators.

Man With Sensitive Side

2007-06-22T21:40:00.000+01:00

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my
God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says..

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

Old Wise Man

2007-06-20T16:46:00.000+01:00

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

Bank Robbers

2007-06-06T10:58:00.000+01:00

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, “Bark! Bark!” “Ah, must be a dog!” says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, “Meow!” and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, “Must be cats!” and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, “Potatoes!”

Koala Joke

2007-06-06T10:56:00.001+01:00

A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been paid!"
Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up *prostitute*.

She shows him the definition:
PROSTITUTE (pros`ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money. The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary.
He shows her a definition:
KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.

Crashed My Car

2007-06-02T18:46:00.000+01:00

I crashed my car into the back of another at a traffic light this morning.
The guy got out of his car and he was a dwarf!
He said "I'm not happy!"
So I said "Well, which one are you then?"