I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. ...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one- get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
............... They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
...............They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
...............They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
...............They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
...............They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
...............They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
...............They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!
¶ 5/16/2007 11:22:00 AM
The owner of a horse farm receives a call from a friend, who informs him of a midget with a speech impediment who's interested in buying a horse. The owner has him send the midget over.
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” replies the midget. So the owner shows him one.
“Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?” So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?” Promptly, the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s eyes.
“Ok, what about the eerth?” At this point, the owner is becoming aggravated, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
“OK, finally, can I see her twat?” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s vagina, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget laments, “Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?”
¶ 5/09/2007 11:22:00 AM
An elderly couple was attending church services About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
¶ 5/09/2007 11:00:00 AM
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
¶ 5/08/2007 04:51:00 PM
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"
¶ 5/08/2007 04:49:00 PM
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.
A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.
A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage in the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said -
"What a cute little fart!"
¶ 5/08/2007 04:48:00 PM
One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"
The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!
¶ 5/08/2007 04:46:00 PM
The Texas State Legislator decided to take a state-wide poll to see if the citizens thought there was a problem with too many illegal immigrants. Here's the results...
7% Said, Yes
2% Said, No
81% Said, Que? No habla ingles
¶ 5/08/2007 04:44:00 PM
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.
¶ 5/08/2007 04:40:00 PM
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
¶ 5/08/2007 04:39:00 PM
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
¶ 5/08/2007 04:39:00 PM
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
¶ 5/08/2007 04:32:00 PM
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends"
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
Husband asks spouse, "Do you know the meaning of W.I.F.E.??
It's Without Information, Fighting Every time."
Wife replies, "No, It means, With Idiot For Ever!"
What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, and my mom fainted, dad had a heart attack, & our neighbour ran away.
A women asks a man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies sarcastically, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son. I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!"
¶ 5/08/2007 11:55:00 AM
