- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
- Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet? - Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
- If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
- Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
- Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
- Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
- Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
- How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
- When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
- In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
- How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
- The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you
Labels: playonwords, quotes
¶ 4/21/2007 02:48:00 AM
A city gent is driving through the countryside when he comes to a stream he has to drive across.
Sitting on the riverbank is a local yokel so he stops the car and asks "Hey, country chappie. How deep is that stream?"
The yokel chews a bit on his straw and says "Arr but it be just a few inches deep".
City gent starts the car and drives into the stream. The front wheels go into the stream and suddenly the car tips forward and sinks.
City gent manages to get out of the car and swim back to the riverbank. Gasping and spitting water he shouts "You ignorant peasant - you said the stream was just a few inches deep!".
Yokel takes the straw out of his mouth, scratches his head and says "Now that be funny - the water only comes 'alf way up the ducks" ¶ 4/16/2007 04:39:00 PM
Three men were travelling in rural America when their car came to grief, whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse.
The farmer had two spare beds, and, of course, his daughter's, but since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that one of them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short time later there was a knock on the door, and, sure enough, there was the Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and because of his religious convictions, he didn't think he could remain there.
A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short time later, there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite uncomfortable out there.
Whereupon the third man, a practising lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn.
In a little while, there was a knock on the door. And when they went to answer it, sure enough, there were the cows and the pig.
¶ 4/16/2007 04:40:00 AM A man goes into hospital for some tests. They knock him out, and when he comes round there's a doctor peering over him; you know, pulling the eyelid up, wielding the reflex hammer.
Doctor says; "Ahh. I'm glad you've come round. I'm afraid I have some mixed news"
Man Says; "Don't hold back Doc, tell me the bad news"
Doctor says; "worse than I thought; we had to amputate your left leg"
(You've heard it, right ?)
Man says; "What's the good news then ?"
Doctor replies; "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"
Several days later the same man is rushed into the operating theatre for further surgery. Finally, hours later, he begins to wake. He sees the doctor peering over him and thinks of deja-vu.
Doctor says; "Ahh. I'm glad you've come round. I'm afraid I have some mixed news again"
Man Says; "What could be worse than having one leg amputated, tell me the bad news"
Doctor says; "worse than I thought; I'm afraid that we had to amputate your right leg as well"
The man lapses into fits of uncontrollable tears. The doctor says to him; "But I haven't told you the good news yet. Pull yourself together, man".
The man regains some composure and says; "What is it ?"
Doctor says; "Do you see the nurse over in the corner ?"
"Where ?"; the man asks.
Doctor says; "That nurse over there with long blond hair, large tits, long legs; absolute nymphomaniac ?"
Man says "Do I. She's incredible", getting excited
Doctor says "Well, I slept with her last night"
Labels: good news bad news
¶ 4/16/2007 04:35:00 AM So the new conductor addresses the orchestra.
He tells them that things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on time and that they will work for many long hours.
The timpanist, expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM.
The conductor, whirling around furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!"
Labels: General
¶ 4/16/2007 04:33:00 AM Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill."
"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."
"It relaxes me."
"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician.
"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.
Labels: Medical
¶ 4/16/2007 04:30:00 AM Madeleine went to the doctor for her annual check-up. He told her to disrobe and climb onto the examination table.
"Doctor," she said shyly, "I'm sorry but I can't undress right in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. you undress and tell me when you're through."
The room was completely dark. "Doctor, I've undressed," said Madeleine. "What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?" answered the quack. "Put them over here, on top of mine."
Labels: Medical
¶ 4/16/2007 04:28:00 AM The new intern on duty at the hospital emergency room, answered the phone late one night. "Doctor," exclaimed a woman, "what shall I do? We just discovered our two-year-old son has eaten a whole tube of contraceptive jelly."
"Well," replied the intern, "If it's really an emergency, why don't you have one of the all-night drugstores deliver another tube?"
Labels: kids, Medical, playonwords
¶ 4/16/2007 04:16:00 AM A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled," he said. "We're in a big hurry, so let's not fool around with gas or Novocaine or any of that stuff."
"You're a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
¶ 4/16/2007 04:13:00 AM I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
Labels: quotes
¶ 4/16/2007 04:11:00 AM "DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form."
- New York Times, November 26, 1991
Labels: quotes
¶ 4/16/2007 04:05:00 AM "Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Labels: quotes
¶ 4/16/2007 04:04:00 AM According to the Washington Times (7/2/97) when a Virginia High School student exposed mice to hard rock music 10 hours a day for three weeks, their ability to navigate a maze they already knew decreased significantly. A control group, exposed to classical music, actually improved their maze time. The experiment was cut short because the hard rock mice ate each other.
Labels: mostly true
¶ 4/16/2007 03:59:00 AM 
