'Tickling the Bone'
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Birthday Present for the wife
There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"
¶ 3/22/2007 01:21:00 AM
There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"
¶ 3/22/2007 01:21:00 AM
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Candidate for Mayor
A man running for mayor was making a speech, and thundered, "I want you people to know that there are over two dozen brothels in this town, and I have never been to one of them!"
A voice from the back yelled out, "Which one?" ¶ 3/20/2007 09:50:00 AM
A man running for mayor was making a speech, and thundered, "I want you people to know that there are over two dozen brothels in this town, and I have never been to one of them!"
A voice from the back yelled out, "Which one?" ¶ 3/20/2007 09:50:00 AM
Vincent Van Gogh Relatives
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh...
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh...
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh...
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh...
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh...
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh...
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh...
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh...
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh...
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh...
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh...
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh...
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh...
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh...
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh...
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh...
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh...
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh...
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh...
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh...
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh...
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh...
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh...
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh...
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh...
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh...
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh...
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh...
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh...
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh...
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh...
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh...
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh...
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh...
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh...
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh...
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh...
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh...
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh...
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh...
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh...
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh...
Labels: General, playonwords
¶ 3/20/2007 09:26:00 AM
Where did I come from?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male
¶ 3/20/2007 09:07:00 AM
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male
¶ 3/20/2007 09:07:00 AM
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Old Red Neck Humor
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust,
consisting of a 1982 Ford pickup, a Remington shotgun, 6 1/2 books of Green
Stamps and $18.37 due from the mill for his last week's work. However, his
beloved widow can't touch any of the assets until she turns 14.
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were
told 17 and under are not admitted.
The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they
want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Arkansas has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for
a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it
took out the whole trailer park.
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got
any ID?" The driver said, "'Bout what?"
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust,
consisting of a 1982 Ford pickup, a Remington shotgun, 6 1/2 books of Green
Stamps and $18.37 due from the mill for his last week's work. However, his
beloved widow can't touch any of the assets until she turns 14.
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were
told 17 and under are not admitted.
The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they
want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Arkansas has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for
a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it
took out the whole trailer park.
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got
any ID?" The driver said, "'Bout what?"
Labels: redneck
¶ 3/07/2007 10:40:00 AM Saturday, March 03, 2007
Guilty and Depressed
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
Labels: Doctor Doctor
¶ 3/03/2007 12:05:00 AM Friday, March 02, 2007
That's Lovely
One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her
class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.
No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his
propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks
for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else
raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny,
can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard
Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in
different.'"
One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her
class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.
No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his
propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks
for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else
raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny,
can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard
Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in
different.'"
Labels: Little Johnny
¶ 3/02/2007 11:43:00 PM
Alternate Meanings
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Labels: playonwords
¶ 3/02/2007 11:41:00 PM
Fire on at an Oil Rig
There's a blow out at an oil rig.
The flames are shooting hundreds of feet in the air.
Hundreds of fire fighters are called in and give up because it's too hot.
The mayor offers 100,000 dollars to anyone who can stop the blaze. nobody comes.
He eventually calls Red Adair.
Red Adair tries everything - his glass of whisky, a bucket of water, dynamite, the lot........the fire still burns on.
Late in the evening he's sitting in a bar sad and sweaty when Paddy the irishman comes in and asks what's wrong.
Red tells paddy it's the worst blow out he's ever seen and doesn't know what to do about it.
Paddy says he'll be along at 9 in the morning with a few friends and will sort it out.
Next morning the whole town is waiting - fire and smoke can be seen from miles away.
Then there's a sound - tires screeching and a motor screaming - a van comes around the corner and flies into the flames. the back doors of the van open up and 10 irishmen jump out and start stamping out the flames with their hobnailed boots.
30 seconds later the fire is out. the crowd cheer and paddy comes over to the cameras - hair gone and smoke pouring from his donkey jacket.
Red Adair rushes over and says to paddy "you're a hero - what are you gonna do with the 100,000 dollars?"
Paddy answers "Oim gonna boy some new brakes for dat fekkin van"
There's a blow out at an oil rig.
The flames are shooting hundreds of feet in the air.
Hundreds of fire fighters are called in and give up because it's too hot.
The mayor offers 100,000 dollars to anyone who can stop the blaze. nobody comes.
He eventually calls Red Adair.
Red Adair tries everything - his glass of whisky, a bucket of water, dynamite, the lot........the fire still burns on.
Late in the evening he's sitting in a bar sad and sweaty when Paddy the irishman comes in and asks what's wrong.
Red tells paddy it's the worst blow out he's ever seen and doesn't know what to do about it.
Paddy says he'll be along at 9 in the morning with a few friends and will sort it out.
Next morning the whole town is waiting - fire and smoke can be seen from miles away.
Then there's a sound - tires screeching and a motor screaming - a van comes around the corner and flies into the flames. the back doors of the van open up and 10 irishmen jump out and start stamping out the flames with their hobnailed boots.
30 seconds later the fire is out. the crowd cheer and paddy comes over to the cameras - hair gone and smoke pouring from his donkey jacket.
Red Adair rushes over and says to paddy "you're a hero - what are you gonna do with the 100,000 dollars?"
Paddy answers "Oim gonna boy some new brakes for dat fekkin van"
Labels: irish
¶ 3/02/2007 11:34:00 PM 
