'Tickling the Bone'
Friday, February 24, 2006
Learning to Keep Ones Mouth Shut
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was
repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him
thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than
thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1
million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were
one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the
more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut... ¶ 2/24/2006 02:04:00 AM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was
repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him
thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than
thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1
million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were
one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the
more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut... ¶ 2/24/2006 02:04:00 AM
Monday, February 20, 2006
"Vanity"
The girl knelt in the confessional and said,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror
and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the
girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news.
That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." ¶ 2/20/2006 10:05:00 AM
The girl knelt in the confessional and said,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror
and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the
girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news.
That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." ¶ 2/20/2006 10:05:00 AM
Chicken Farmer
(I know I have posted this before, but its worthy of a repeat)
A chicken farmer went to a local bar,
sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass
of champagne.
The woman perks up and says,
"How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said,
"This is a special day for me.
I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and
I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man.
As they clinked glasses he asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to
have a child, and today my gynecologist
told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man.
"I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my
hens were infertile, but today they're
finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman,
"How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!" ¶ 2/20/2006 09:55:00 AM
(I know I have posted this before, but its worthy of a repeat)
A chicken farmer went to a local bar,
sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass
of champagne.
The woman perks up and says,
"How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said,
"This is a special day for me.
I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and
I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man.
As they clinked glasses he asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to
have a child, and today my gynecologist
told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man.
"I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my
hens were infertile, but today they're
finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman,
"How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!" ¶ 2/20/2006 09:55:00 AM
Growing Old
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted."I haven't added them up yet!" ¶ 2/20/2006 09:55:00 AM
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted."I haven't added them up yet!" ¶ 2/20/2006 09:55:00 AM
Whiskey and Life
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!" ¶ 2/20/2006 09:54:00 AM
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!" ¶ 2/20/2006 09:54:00 AM
Thinking of His Ex Girlfriend
Jimmy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her.
"But I was thinking of you the whole time."
"You miss me that much?" she asks. "No, he says.
"But it kept me from finishing too soon." ¶ 2/20/2006 09:49:00 AM
Jimmy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her.
"But I was thinking of you the whole time."
"You miss me that much?" she asks. "No, he says.
"But it kept me from finishing too soon." ¶ 2/20/2006 09:49:00 AM
Snowman for a pet
I made myself a snowman,
As perfect as can be,
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pyjamas,
And a pillow for its head
Then last night it ran away
But first it wet the bed. ¶ 2/20/2006 09:32:00 AM
I made myself a snowman,
As perfect as can be,
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pyjamas,
And a pillow for its head
Then last night it ran away
But first it wet the bed. ¶ 2/20/2006 09:32:00 AM
Can It
An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband
spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge asked, "What is it?"
The husband replied, "Your honour, she also stole a can of peas." ¶ 2/20/2006 09:31:00 AM
An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband
spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge asked, "What is it?"
The husband replied, "Your honour, she also stole a can of peas." ¶ 2/20/2006 09:31:00 AM
Blonde Phone Experience
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up and mine is in the car." ¶ 2/20/2006 09:30:00 AM
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up and mine is in the car." ¶ 2/20/2006 09:30:00 AM
Glasses
A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses.
Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%.
Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. "You're playing better since you got your glasses," one said.
"You're right, I look down, and the ball's as big as a basketball, just can't miss it now," he said. After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute."
When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet.
"Gee, what happened to you?" his friends asked.
"I don't know," he replied. "I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back. ¶ 2/20/2006 09:26:00 AM
A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses.
Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%.
Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. "You're playing better since you got your glasses," one said.
"You're right, I look down, and the ball's as big as a basketball, just can't miss it now," he said. After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute."
When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet.
"Gee, what happened to you?" his friends asked.
"I don't know," he replied. "I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back. ¶ 2/20/2006 09:26:00 AM
Cowboy’s Secret to Living a Long Life
A tough old Albertan Cowboy told his grandson if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93.
When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. ¶ 2/20/2006 09:24:00 AM
A tough old Albertan Cowboy told his grandson if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93.
When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. ¶ 2/20/2006 09:24:00 AM
Thats My Boy
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son - may I ask you a question? Why do you always take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
¶ 2/20/2006 09:24:00 AM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son - may I ask you a question? Why do you always take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
¶ 2/20/2006 09:24:00 AM
Life
¶ 2/20/2006 09:21:00 AM
- Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." - Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
- The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
- My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
- It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
- A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
- My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
- A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
- I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
- My neighbour was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
- Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
- As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
¶ 2/20/2006 09:21:00 AM
Friday, February 17, 2006
The Condom…
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was
braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to
be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties ! and thre w them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was
standing outside, all applauding.
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car. ¶ 2/17/2006 07:37:00 PM
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was
braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to
be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties ! and thre w them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was
standing outside, all applauding.
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car. ¶ 2/17/2006 07:37:00 PM
Monday, February 13, 2006
Phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`.
Wow!” I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider;
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................
So I told her to f**k off….
(Unashamedly stolen from my mates site) ¶ 2/13/2006 05:37:00 PM
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`.
Wow!” I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider;
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................
So I told her to f**k off….
(Unashamedly stolen from my mates site) ¶ 2/13/2006 05:37:00 PM
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Still not good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes."
No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?"
Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?"
Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally
came up with: " Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
And they loved it. ¶ 2/13/2006 05:35:00 PM
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Still not good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes."
No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?"
Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?"
Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally
came up with: " Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
And they loved it. ¶ 2/13/2006 05:35:00 PM
