'Tickling the Bone'
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Polar Bear
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear
and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.
The son polar bear turned to his father and
asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son,
you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns
to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the
truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No
brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100%
polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so
you are definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar
bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad,
don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not
true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was distressed by this
continued questioning and asked his son,
"Why do you keep asking if you're 100%
polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing!" ¶ 12/24/2005 12:16:00 AM
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear
and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.
The son polar bear turned to his father and
asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son,
you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns
to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the
truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No
brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100%
polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so
you are definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar
bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad,
don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not
true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was distressed by this
continued questioning and asked his son,
"Why do you keep asking if you're 100%
polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing!" ¶ 12/24/2005 12:16:00 AM
SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective
I.
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per house-hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV.
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's.
A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
V.
Therefore, if Santa does exist, he's dead now.
PS. I didn't mean to upset all you believers. ¶ 12/24/2005 12:11:00 AM
I.
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per house-hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV.
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's.
A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
V.
Therefore, if Santa does exist, he's dead now.
PS. I didn't mean to upset all you believers. ¶ 12/24/2005 12:11:00 AM
MY FIRST CONDOM
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went into a drugstore to
buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter,
and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well! , I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she insisted, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her. ¶ 12/24/2005 12:07:00 AM
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went into a drugstore to
buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter,
and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well! , I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she insisted, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her. ¶ 12/24/2005 12:07:00 AM
Walking In A Doggie Wonderland
(Sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)
Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows the stream that I love most;
It says "Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland. ¶ 12/24/2005 12:03:00 AM
(Sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)
Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows the stream that I love most;
It says "Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland. ¶ 12/24/2005 12:03:00 AM
History Book
A curious kid comes running to an elderly man, who is reading a book, and asks him " What are you reading?"
The elderly man answers, “A history book".
The kid looks at what the elderly man is reading and says, "But that’s a book about sex!"
And the man said, "Yeah, but for me it's history!" ¶ 12/24/2005 12:03:00 AM
A curious kid comes running to an elderly man, who is reading a book, and asks him " What are you reading?"
The elderly man answers, “A history book".
The kid looks at what the elderly man is reading and says, "But that’s a book about sex!"
And the man said, "Yeah, but for me it's history!" ¶ 12/24/2005 12:03:00 AM
Saturday, December 17, 2005
A salesmans divorce
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'" ¶ 12/17/2005 12:31:00 AM
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'" ¶ 12/17/2005 12:31:00 AM
Nursing...
A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and
I failed at that, too." The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!" ¶ 12/17/2005 12:24:00 AM
A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and
I failed at that, too." The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!" ¶ 12/17/2005 12:24:00 AM
Friday, December 16, 2005
Three men die at Christmas...
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They find themselves
at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must
present something "Christmassy". The first man searches his pocket,
and finds some Mistletoe, and he is allowed in. The second man
presents a cracker, and he is also allowed in. The third man pulls
out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks,
"How do these represent Christmas?" His Response, "They're Carol's." ¶ 12/16/2005 03:19:00 AM
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They find themselves
at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must
present something "Christmassy". The first man searches his pocket,
and finds some Mistletoe, and he is allowed in. The second man
presents a cracker, and he is also allowed in. The third man pulls
out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks,
"How do these represent Christmas?" His Response, "They're Carol's." ¶ 12/16/2005 03:19:00 AM
Camilla and Charles
On the big day, Camilla had chosen a pair of shoes which proved to be far too small, and by the time they retired to their bedchamber that evening, she was in agony.
"Charles," she begged, PLEASE get these damnable shoes off me, Dear, my feet are absolutely KILLING me!"
Charles pulled and tugged mightily, as Camilla moaned and groaned, the noise plainly audible in the next room, where the Queen and Prince Phillip were about to retire.
Charles finally succeeded in removing one shoe, crying out, "By DAMN, that's tight!", accompanied by more groans of relief from his new bride.
Queen Elizabeth nudged Phillip, and smirked, "See...the woman is so homely, she's still a virgin....at her age! Can you IMAGINE!"
Charles, meanwhile succeeded in wresting the other shoe off, as his bride screamed out in pure pleasure.
"By JOVE!...Charles exclaimed loudly...."This one's even tighter than the other!"
Phillip grinned and murmured, "Once a Navy man, ALWAYS a Navy man....." ¶ 12/16/2005 03:14:00 AM
On the big day, Camilla had chosen a pair of shoes which proved to be far too small, and by the time they retired to their bedchamber that evening, she was in agony.
"Charles," she begged, PLEASE get these damnable shoes off me, Dear, my feet are absolutely KILLING me!"
Charles pulled and tugged mightily, as Camilla moaned and groaned, the noise plainly audible in the next room, where the Queen and Prince Phillip were about to retire.
Charles finally succeeded in removing one shoe, crying out, "By DAMN, that's tight!", accompanied by more groans of relief from his new bride.
Queen Elizabeth nudged Phillip, and smirked, "See...the woman is so homely, she's still a virgin....at her age! Can you IMAGINE!"
Charles, meanwhile succeeded in wresting the other shoe off, as his bride screamed out in pure pleasure.
"By JOVE!...Charles exclaimed loudly...."This one's even tighter than the other!"
Phillip grinned and murmured, "Once a Navy man, ALWAYS a Navy man....." ¶ 12/16/2005 03:14:00 AM
