'Tickling the Bone'
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Englishman and the Irishman
An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh is that so now?" The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, let me try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I have got to try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were saying." ¶ 11/26/2005 02:26:00 AM
An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh is that so now?" The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, let me try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I have got to try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were saying." ¶ 11/26/2005 02:26:00 AM
So you think you are having a bad day?
So you think you are having a bad day eh?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Now who is having a bad day???? ¶ 11/26/2005 01:42:00 AM
So you think you are having a bad day eh?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Now who is having a bad day???? ¶ 11/26/2005 01:42:00 AM
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas - Welsh Films To Be Remade
Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production.
They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year....
Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production.
They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year....
- 9 ½ Leeks
- Trefforest Gump
- Cwmando
- The Lost Boyos
- An American in Powys
- Huw Dares Gwyneth
- Dai Hard
- The Wizard of Oswestry
- Cool Hand Look-you
- Sheepless in Seattle
- The Eagle has Llandudno
- The Magnificent Severn
- Haverfordwest Was Won
- Austin Powys
- The Magic Rhonddabout
- Independence Dai
- 20,000 Leeks under the Sea
- The Tenby Commandments
- Rhayader of the Lost Ark
- Where Eagles Aberdare
- The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot
Grandpa's Wisdom
- Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar
- Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
- When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
- Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
- On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
- A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washing, ironing, cooking, and scrubbing. No wife of mine is going to work."
- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
- Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
Guy walks into a pub
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light." ¶ 11/24/2005 10:08:00 PM
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light." ¶ 11/24/2005 10:08:00 PM
Guy goes into a Clock Shop
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his dick out and places it on the counter.
"What are you doing, Sir?” she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"
He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!" ¶ 11/24/2005 10:07:00 PM
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his dick out and places it on the counter.
"What are you doing, Sir?” she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"
He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!" ¶ 11/24/2005 10:07:00 PM
Blonde Cooking a Turkey
"Would you please help me?" the blonde asked. "I bought a nine-pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?"
"Just a minute," the food editor said, as he turned to check his reference book.
"Oh, thank you," she said. "You've been a big help. Good-bye!" ¶ 11/24/2005 09:46:00 PM
"Would you please help me?" the blonde asked. "I bought a nine-pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?"
"Just a minute," the food editor said, as he turned to check his reference book.
"Oh, thank you," she said. "You've been a big help. Good-bye!" ¶ 11/24/2005 09:46:00 PM
Husband/Wife
A Husband is a man who:
• gave up privileges he never knew he had.
• is spouse-broken.
• lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness.
• made a wrong turn in lovers' lane.
A Wife is a woman who:
• can dish it out but can't cook it.
• dresses to kill and cooks the same way.
• has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up bills, and has a fed-up husband.
• is a dish-jockey.
• is a husband's bitter half.
• sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would never have had if he hadn't married her in the first place. ¶ 11/24/2005 09:10:00 PM
A Husband is a man who:
• gave up privileges he never knew he had.
• is spouse-broken.
• lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness.
• made a wrong turn in lovers' lane.
A Wife is a woman who:
• can dish it out but can't cook it.
• dresses to kill and cooks the same way.
• has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up bills, and has a fed-up husband.
• is a dish-jockey.
• is a husband's bitter half.
• sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would never have had if he hadn't married her in the first place. ¶ 11/24/2005 09:10:00 PM
The talent of the Van Gogh family
Some think that Van Gogh was the only one with any talent in is family, but it appears are some extensive research that most of his family was gifted in someway or the other.
His dizzy aunt --Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh
The brother who refused to bleach his clothes white -- Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -- Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -- Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother -- Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -- Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh
The fruit-eating cousin -- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh
His niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh ¶ 11/24/2005 11:29:00 AM
Some think that Van Gogh was the only one with any talent in is family, but it appears are some extensive research that most of his family was gifted in someway or the other.
His dizzy aunt --Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh
The brother who refused to bleach his clothes white -- Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -- Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -- Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother -- Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -- Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh
The fruit-eating cousin -- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh
His niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh ¶ 11/24/2005 11:29:00 AM
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Lost $500 playing Poker
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws.
Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him.” ¶ 11/22/2005 01:25:00 AM
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws.
Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him.” ¶ 11/22/2005 01:25:00 AM
Santa and the little girl
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." “No," said the little girl, "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken." ¶ 11/22/2005 01:13:00 AM
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." “No," said the little girl, "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken." ¶ 11/22/2005 01:13:00 AM
Groaner
The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a bookstore and, being intrigued by a display in the window; he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because . . . he'll get verse before he gets butter!" ¶ 11/22/2005 01:12:00 AM
The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a bookstore and, being intrigued by a display in the window; he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because . . . he'll get verse before he gets butter!" ¶ 11/22/2005 01:12:00 AM
Monday, November 21, 2005
Bad Cow Joke
You'll need to make sure your browser is set up to view animated GIF's to appreciate this old old joke.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Two young boys buying Tampax
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one." ¶ 11/20/2005 06:02:00 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one." ¶ 11/20/2005 06:02:00 PM
Causes of Mad Cow Disease
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
Lady Reporter: “Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what is the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
The Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
The reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
The Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?” ¶ 11/20/2005 05:59:00 PM
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
Lady Reporter: “Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what is the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
The Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
The reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
The Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?” ¶ 11/20/2005 05:59:00 PM
Catholic Squirrels
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. ¶ 11/20/2005 05:55:00 PM
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. ¶ 11/20/2005 05:55:00 PM
Tampax Seasonal Greetings
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.
They say it's only for the Christmas period ¶ 11/20/2005 05:11:00 PM
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.
They say it's only for the Christmas period ¶ 11/20/2005 05:11:00 PM
banana split
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis." ¶ 11/20/2005 03:36:00 PM
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis." ¶ 11/20/2005 03:36:00 PM
Paddy on Who wants to be a Millionaire
Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire". He's got £500,000.
Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 million quid.
"Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber? Was it,
A, Ronnie Barker...
B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...
C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it
D, Ronnie Biggs???"
Paddy says..."Oi'll take de money please Chris".
Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.
Paddy again says.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"
"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.
"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer"
"OK" says Chris, looking bemused. "Give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000. However, before you go,you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"
Paddy said, "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris."
"You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"
Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no feckin grass!". ¶ 11/20/2005 03:34:00 PM
Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire". He's got £500,000.
Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 million quid.
"Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber? Was it,
A, Ronnie Barker...
B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...
C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it
D, Ronnie Biggs???"
Paddy says..."Oi'll take de money please Chris".
Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.
Paddy again says.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"
"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.
"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer"
"OK" says Chris, looking bemused. "Give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000. However, before you go,you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"
Paddy said, "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris."
"You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"
Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no feckin grass!". ¶ 11/20/2005 03:34:00 PM
Directions...
Now you know the way to Amarillo, you can all stop singing that bloody song…
¶ 11/20/2005 03:23:00 PM
- Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.
- Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.
- Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.
- Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
- Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3miles
- Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles
- Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles
- Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
- "US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
- Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
- "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
- Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
- Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
- Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
- Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
- Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
- Arrive at the centre of town.
Now you know the way to Amarillo, you can all stop singing that bloody song…
¶ 11/20/2005 03:23:00 PM
Finish
A virile, young Italian, relaxing at his favorite bar, managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment. A little small talk, a few more drinks, and soon they were in his bedroom.
After an intense round, he finally finished and asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"
She frowned and replied, "No."
Surprised, he resumed his lovemaking. This time, they thrashed about wildly, but when the lovemaking ended and the smiling young man asked, "You finish?"
She again smiled and said softly, "No."
Stunned and unable to let this woman outlast him, he begins anew. It takes the last of his strength, but they finally climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and tearing the sheets.
The exhausted Italian stud fell onto his back, gasping. He looked her in the eyes, smiled proudly, and again asked, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispered, "No. I Swedish!" ¶ 11/20/2005 03:17:00 PM
A virile, young Italian, relaxing at his favorite bar, managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment. A little small talk, a few more drinks, and soon they were in his bedroom.
After an intense round, he finally finished and asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"
She frowned and replied, "No."
Surprised, he resumed his lovemaking. This time, they thrashed about wildly, but when the lovemaking ended and the smiling young man asked, "You finish?"
She again smiled and said softly, "No."
Stunned and unable to let this woman outlast him, he begins anew. It takes the last of his strength, but they finally climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and tearing the sheets.
The exhausted Italian stud fell onto his back, gasping. He looked her in the eyes, smiled proudly, and again asked, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispered, "No. I Swedish!" ¶ 11/20/2005 03:17:00 PM
One Liners
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.
14 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -- I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. ¶ 11/20/2005 03:07:00 PM
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.
14 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -- I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. ¶ 11/20/2005 03:07:00 PM
Ships carrying paint collide
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
The crew are believed to be marooned. ¶ 11/20/2005 03:04:00 PM
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
The crew are believed to be marooned. ¶ 11/20/2005 03:04:00 PM
Mental Asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view? ¶ 11/20/2005 03:02:00 PM
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view? ¶ 11/20/2005 03:02:00 PM
Wisdom
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Bouncing Baby Boy Balls
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
''Why?' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts." ¶ 11/15/2005 12:19:00 AM
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
''Why?' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts." ¶ 11/15/2005 12:19:00 AM
Arnie speaks to the lord
Arnie climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Arnie asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Arnie asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute." ¶ 11/15/2005 12:18:00 AM
Arnie climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Arnie asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Arnie asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute." ¶ 11/15/2005 12:18:00 AM
Lawyer Joke
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. ¶ 11/15/2005 12:14:00 AM
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. ¶ 11/15/2005 12:14:00 AM
Word Play
There were two factories in New York City.
One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mother Frockers".
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles.
They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers".
One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork Soaking fight you ever saw... ¶ 11/15/2005 12:11:00 AM
There were two factories in New York City.
One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mother Frockers".
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles.
They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers".
One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork Soaking fight you ever saw... ¶ 11/15/2005 12:11:00 AM
Break through in weight loss
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program".
"Absolutely" he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:
"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..." ¶ 11/15/2005 12:09:00 AM
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program".
"Absolutely" he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:
"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..." ¶ 11/15/2005 12:09:00 AM
Ideas on Life
MICRA DRIVERS - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pi$$ before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
EMPLOYEES - Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
LADIES - An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
SCROOGES - Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".
GENTLEMAN - Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is in the house.
PLUMBERS - Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential emergency plug chain repairs.
ADVENTUROUS LOVERS - Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.
ANGLERS - Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day
SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.
TIGHT - arsed blokes. In the new year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner. ¶ 11/15/2005 12:04:00 AM
MICRA DRIVERS - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pi$$ before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
EMPLOYEES - Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
LADIES - An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
SCROOGES - Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".
GENTLEMAN - Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is in the house.
PLUMBERS - Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential emergency plug chain repairs.
ADVENTUROUS LOVERS - Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.
ANGLERS - Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day
SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.
TIGHT - arsed blokes. In the new year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner. ¶ 11/15/2005 12:04:00 AM
Monday, November 14, 2005
Signs you've been living too long in -
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG
1. You say 'mate' constantly.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is 'w*nker'.
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern W*nker'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car..
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
13. You pay £2.95 for a frigging caramel frigging crapachino Starbuck muck coffee.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG
1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it', "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern w*nkers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'sun-tanned'.
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG
1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
5. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.
9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras
10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1. You say 'pish' all the time.
2. You say 'aye' all the time.
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'.
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish like'.
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6. You punch everybody you meet.
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet..
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.
12. You don't wash.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
14. You find yourself still living with family and having your dinners cooked by someone's mammy - at 30.
15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG...
1. You are still there. ¶ 11/14/2005 11:57:00 PM
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG
1. You say 'mate' constantly.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is 'w*nker'.
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern W*nker'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car..
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
13. You pay £2.95 for a frigging caramel frigging crapachino Starbuck muck coffee.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG
1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it', "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern w*nkers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'sun-tanned'.
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG
1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
5. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.
9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras
10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1. You say 'pish' all the time.
2. You say 'aye' all the time.
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'.
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish like'.
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6. You punch everybody you meet.
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet..
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.
12. You don't wash.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
14. You find yourself still living with family and having your dinners cooked by someone's mammy - at 30.
15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG...
1. You are still there. ¶ 11/14/2005 11:57:00 PM
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Two fish swim...
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one turns to the other and says, “Dam” ¶ 11/09/2005 09:10:00 PM
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one turns to the other and says, “Dam” ¶ 11/09/2005 09:10:00 PM
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Post a Joke
If you have any jokes that you want to appear here, (Ok, if you have any jokes I can add to my list), click on the title to email me or click here
Monday, November 07, 2005
Bird Flu - Important Notification
In an effort to reduce the threat from Bird Flu, the Irish Government has banned all Hen Parties with immediate effect. ¶ 11/07/2005 10:16:00 AM
In an effort to reduce the threat from Bird Flu, the Irish Government has banned all Hen Parties with immediate effect. ¶ 11/07/2005 10:16:00 AM
Paddy and Mick
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the beer.
They've got no money to get a taxi, and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside a bus depot.
Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home, and I'll stay out here and look out for the police"
Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes, while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing.
Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door, and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried. "What in all hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!"
Mick replies “I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy"
Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts " You f*****g idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!" ¶ 11/07/2005 10:15:00 AM
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the beer.
They've got no money to get a taxi, and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside a bus depot.
Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home, and I'll stay out here and look out for the police"
Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes, while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing.
Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door, and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried. "What in all hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!"
Mick replies “I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy"
Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts " You f*****g idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!" ¶ 11/07/2005 10:15:00 AM
Jay Leno: Charles and Camilla
Jay Leno: "And last night, Prince Charles and Camilla visited President Bush at the White House. One embarrassing moment, Bush said to Prince Charles, 'Hey, you didn't tell me you were bringing your mom!'"
Jay Leno: "There is a lot of criticism about Prince Charles visiting President Bush. Some people say all he does is wave while other people do the real work. He didn't deserve the job, he only got it 'cause of his parents. And then, of course, there's criticism of Prince Charles." ¶ 11/07/2005 10:04:00 AM
Jay Leno: "And last night, Prince Charles and Camilla visited President Bush at the White House. One embarrassing moment, Bush said to Prince Charles, 'Hey, you didn't tell me you were bringing your mom!'"
Jay Leno: "There is a lot of criticism about Prince Charles visiting President Bush. Some people say all he does is wave while other people do the real work. He didn't deserve the job, he only got it 'cause of his parents. And then, of course, there's criticism of Prince Charles." ¶ 11/07/2005 10:04:00 AM
Even In Heaven
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines; one line for the men who were true heads of their households and the other line for men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women had gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who were truly heads of their households, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of the household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the leaders in your families. Of all of you only one has obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." ¶ 11/07/2005 09:59:00 AM
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines; one line for the men who were true heads of their households and the other line for men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women had gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who were truly heads of their households, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of the household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the leaders in your families. Of all of you only one has obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." ¶ 11/07/2005 09:59:00 AM
Sunday, November 06, 2005
"Ultimate Surrender"
Paris - Inspired by the commercial success of the United States Army’s "Boot Camp" video game, the General Staff of the French Army has announced plans to market "Ultimate Surrender," a video game based upon the proud military traditions of the Gaul’s.
In the game we follow the exploits of Lucky Pierre, an apprentice garlic salesman from Marseilles, as he joins the French Army and begins a rigorous course of combat training. The First Level of the game is called "Survival School," and the players have to help Lucky Pierre survive 24 hours without red wine or crème brulé. The Second Level is "Capitulation," and the goal here is to see which player can have Lucky Pierre surrender the fastest without firing a shot or getting his uniform dirty. Level Three is "Collaboration." Here the player’s battle to see who can collect the largest numbers of pairs of nylon stockings and packages of chocolates by having Lucky Pierre perform sexual favors for members of the occupying forces. Level Four is "Be Ungrateful to America for Rescuing Your Sorry French Ass Once Again." In this extremely challenging part of the game contestants vie with one another to see who can make Lucky Pierre behave in the surliest manner when the United States inevitably comes to the rescue of the defeated French. The Final Level is "Pretending to Have Been in the Resistance." Here contestants compete in a battle of tall tales and whoppers as they try to protect Lucky Pierre from treason charges.
Marketing tests show that "Ultimate Surrender" is a big hit with French teenagers and young adults who are too young to have experienced France’s lightening surrender to the Germans in 1940 or its defeat by the Vietnamese in 1954 at Dien Bien Phu. "Zees is a great tool to inspire le patriotism in le youths, n’est ce pas?" said General Jean-Jacques Loseur, Commander-in-Chief of the French Army, during his weekly press conference. "Since le end of le Cold War we French have not had many opportunities to surrender or to show great cowardice in the face of much weaker opponents."
When questioned about comments made in the French Chamber of Deputies that "Ultimate Surrender" makes the French Army look like a bunch of gutless mama’s boys, General Loseur pulled out a white handkerchief, put his hands over his head and said, "Oh heck, I give up." ¶ 11/06/2005 12:55:00 PM
Paris - Inspired by the commercial success of the United States Army’s "Boot Camp" video game, the General Staff of the French Army has announced plans to market "Ultimate Surrender," a video game based upon the proud military traditions of the Gaul’s.
In the game we follow the exploits of Lucky Pierre, an apprentice garlic salesman from Marseilles, as he joins the French Army and begins a rigorous course of combat training. The First Level of the game is called "Survival School," and the players have to help Lucky Pierre survive 24 hours without red wine or crème brulé. The Second Level is "Capitulation," and the goal here is to see which player can have Lucky Pierre surrender the fastest without firing a shot or getting his uniform dirty. Level Three is "Collaboration." Here the player’s battle to see who can collect the largest numbers of pairs of nylon stockings and packages of chocolates by having Lucky Pierre perform sexual favors for members of the occupying forces. Level Four is "Be Ungrateful to America for Rescuing Your Sorry French Ass Once Again." In this extremely challenging part of the game contestants vie with one another to see who can make Lucky Pierre behave in the surliest manner when the United States inevitably comes to the rescue of the defeated French. The Final Level is "Pretending to Have Been in the Resistance." Here contestants compete in a battle of tall tales and whoppers as they try to protect Lucky Pierre from treason charges.
Marketing tests show that "Ultimate Surrender" is a big hit with French teenagers and young adults who are too young to have experienced France’s lightening surrender to the Germans in 1940 or its defeat by the Vietnamese in 1954 at Dien Bien Phu. "Zees is a great tool to inspire le patriotism in le youths, n’est ce pas?" said General Jean-Jacques Loseur, Commander-in-Chief of the French Army, during his weekly press conference. "Since le end of le Cold War we French have not had many opportunities to surrender or to show great cowardice in the face of much weaker opponents."
When questioned about comments made in the French Chamber of Deputies that "Ultimate Surrender" makes the French Army look like a bunch of gutless mama’s boys, General Loseur pulled out a white handkerchief, put his hands over his head and said, "Oh heck, I give up." ¶ 11/06/2005 12:55:00 PM
Daughter Growing Up
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.
"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine!"
"What ever are we going to do???"
"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?" ¶ 11/06/2005 12:47:00 PM
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.
"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine!"
"What ever are we going to do???"
"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?" ¶ 11/06/2005 12:47:00 PM
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Fearless at the dentist
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear that he didn't want to spend a lot of money.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as fearless as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him your tooth, honey!" ¶ 11/03/2005 03:58:00 PM
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear that he didn't want to spend a lot of money.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as fearless as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him your tooth, honey!" ¶ 11/03/2005 03:58:00 PM
Blonde - Elmo Factory
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!'' ¶ 11/03/2005 03:57:00 PM
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!'' ¶ 11/03/2005 03:57:00 PM
F16 Flying Over Afghanistan
An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Afghanistan, when he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a machine gun. He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also manned by a man with a machine gun.
He thought ' I've got to get out of this', so he accelerated flat out and put the F16 into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which he shot down.
On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the captain immediately. "You idiot!" said the captain. 'We saw what you did on radar and now we're in a load of trouble'.
"What do you mean?" said the pilot, "I shot both carpets down!"
"I know that!" said the captain, "But they were Allied Carpets!"
(Probably need to be a ‘brit’ to understand this one, so I’d Google for Allied Carpets if you don’t understand it)
¶ 11/03/2005 03:56:00 PM
An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Afghanistan, when he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a machine gun. He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also manned by a man with a machine gun.
He thought ' I've got to get out of this', so he accelerated flat out and put the F16 into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which he shot down.
On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the captain immediately. "You idiot!" said the captain. 'We saw what you did on radar and now we're in a load of trouble'.
"What do you mean?" said the pilot, "I shot both carpets down!"
"I know that!" said the captain, "But they were Allied Carpets!"
(Probably need to be a ‘brit’ to understand this one, so I’d Google for Allied Carpets if you don’t understand it)
¶ 11/03/2005 03:56:00 PM
Says an F-16 pilot to the C130
A C-130 was en route to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" He went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought. The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?"
The 16 pilot asked, "What did you do?"
The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, and went to the back poured a cup of coffee and used the latrine. ¶ 11/03/2005 03:56:00 PM
A C-130 was en route to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" He went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought. The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?"
The 16 pilot asked, "What did you do?"
The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, and went to the back poured a cup of coffee and used the latrine. ¶ 11/03/2005 03:56:00 PM
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Salesman of the Year
A young lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
Well the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked the kid
"OK,so how many sales did you make today?"
The kid said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid replied "£101,237.64."
The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
The kid said "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium
Fish hook,and then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,so
I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and
I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold
Him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
The kid said "No no no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for
His lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's messed up, you might as well go fishing."
¶ 11/02/2005 10:13:00 PM
A young lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
Well the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked the kid
"OK,so how many sales did you make today?"
The kid said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid replied "£101,237.64."
The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
The kid said "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium
Fish hook,and then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,so
I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and
I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold
Him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
The kid said "No no no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for
His lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's messed up, you might as well go fishing."
¶ 11/02/2005 10:13:00 PM
DIY
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. ¶ 11/02/2005 06:55:00 PM
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. ¶ 11/02/2005 06:55:00 PM
Rainbow Condoms
A guy went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms.
The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortmenton sale today, would you like those?"
The guy said, "Sure, I'll takea box."
A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that this same female clerk had transferred into the maternity section.
The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."
The clerk asked, "What bust?"
To which he replied, "One of the damn blue ones!!" ¶ 11/02/2005 06:53:00 PM
A guy went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms.
The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortmenton sale today, would you like those?"
The guy said, "Sure, I'll takea box."
A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that this same female clerk had transferred into the maternity section.
The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."
The clerk asked, "What bust?"
To which he replied, "One of the damn blue ones!!" ¶ 11/02/2005 06:53:00 PM
Stupid and Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! ¶ 11/02/2005 06:52:00 PM
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! ¶ 11/02/2005 06:52:00 PM
News bulletin
Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Chris of his pal. "My girlfriend just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin, " said Frank. "Why's that?" asked Chris. Frank took a deep breath and said, "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster." ¶ 11/02/2005 03:02:00 AM
Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Chris of his pal. "My girlfriend just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin, " said Frank. "Why's that?" asked Chris. Frank took a deep breath and said, "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster." ¶ 11/02/2005 03:02:00 AM
