'Tickling the Bone'
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Proof that there is such thing as a Village Idiot
- Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, you want it you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
- While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff". .
- I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific”. .
- My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . .
- My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
- My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
- I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
- I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?”
Friday, October 28, 2005
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus ¶ 10/28/2005 03:30:00 PM
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus ¶ 10/28/2005 03:30:00 PM
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Ghost Sex
A professor at the University of North Carolina was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses,
and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Sheeiit! From way back thar I thought you said Goats." ¶ 10/26/2005 10:22:00 PM
A professor at the University of North Carolina was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses,
and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Sheeiit! From way back thar I thought you said Goats." ¶ 10/26/2005 10:22:00 PM
Ponderisms
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Sad news today - Pilsbury Doughboy Passes Away
Sad news today.
A friend just emailed me the following report:
Doughboy dies of yeast infection
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who kneads it.
Yeah, its an old one, but worthy of a repeat… ¶ 10/25/2005 02:38:00 AM
Sad news today.
A friend just emailed me the following report:
Doughboy dies of yeast infection
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who kneads it.
Yeah, its an old one, but worthy of a repeat… ¶ 10/25/2005 02:38:00 AM
Doctor - I have a problem
"Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't do anything for me either." ¶ 10/25/2005 02:35:00 AM
"Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't do anything for me either." ¶ 10/25/2005 02:35:00 AM
State Patrol - No Luck Today
Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball."
He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car. ¶ 10/25/2005 02:33:00 AM
Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball."
He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car. ¶ 10/25/2005 02:33:00 AM
Four Yr Old Boy home from Sunday School
A man's four year old son came home from Sunday School one day. When he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?" The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised", but the answer was still yes. ¶ 10/25/2005 02:30:00 AM
A man's four year old son came home from Sunday School one day. When he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?" The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised", but the answer was still yes. ¶ 10/25/2005 02:30:00 AM
Monday, October 24, 2005
Ronnie Barkers Top Ten Jokes
RONNIE BARKER'S TOP TEN JOKES.
1. The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
2. Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said: "`That's a long time ago." "I don't know," the general replied, "it's only 20.27 now."
3. The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
4. In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
5. The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
6. A new publishing venture was announced today, the Stock Breeders Gazette and Playboy magazine are to get together to produce the Farmer Sutra.
7. Arnold Crump, a 6ft 9ins, ham-fisted, hairy drunk with a short temper, bad breath, acne, dandruff and fleas, was named by Scotland Yard today as Britain's most unwanted man.
8. A famous Spoonerism from sitcom Open All Hours: "Don't just crit there siticising."
9. George Mumble the Bodmin man who swallowed 200 weight of laxative for a bet on coronation night has celebrated his Silver Jubilee. He's been on the throne for 25 years.
10. As prisoner Norman Stanley Fletcher in Porridge, when playing a game of Monopoly: "Would you Adam and Eve it? Go to jail!" ¶ 10/24/2005 10:04:00 PM
RONNIE BARKER'S TOP TEN JOKES.
1. The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
2. Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said: "`That's a long time ago." "I don't know," the general replied, "it's only 20.27 now."
3. The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
4. In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
5. The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
6. A new publishing venture was announced today, the Stock Breeders Gazette and Playboy magazine are to get together to produce the Farmer Sutra.
7. Arnold Crump, a 6ft 9ins, ham-fisted, hairy drunk with a short temper, bad breath, acne, dandruff and fleas, was named by Scotland Yard today as Britain's most unwanted man.
8. A famous Spoonerism from sitcom Open All Hours: "Don't just crit there siticising."
9. George Mumble the Bodmin man who swallowed 200 weight of laxative for a bet on coronation night has celebrated his Silver Jubilee. He's been on the throne for 25 years.
10. As prisoner Norman Stanley Fletcher in Porridge, when playing a game of Monopoly: "Would you Adam and Eve it? Go to jail!" ¶ 10/24/2005 10:04:00 PM
Panda Joke
One day, a large panda dressed in a suede coat walked into a Chinese restaurant. He sat down and ordered a meal. Because of his large paws, he had a little difficulty with the chopsticks, but he eventually finished his food.
As soon as his meal was finished, the panda reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a revolver and blew six holes in the roof.
He then pocketed the revolver again, and left.
The manager, obviously and understandably baffled by this strange event, chased after the panda.
'Hey!' he shouted. 'What in the world did you do that for? All my customers are frightened to death.'
The panda bear stopped, turned slowly, and growled: "Look it up."
The man was curious, so after he had the roof repaired, he went home. He immidiately removed his encyclopedias from the shelf, and looked up "Panda"
He read:
"Panda n. Ailuropoda melanoleuca, a large, endangered species of bear indigeonous to the Orient. Eats shoots and leaves."
(This is the clean version of this old Panda joke, I must find the other one later). ¶ 10/24/2005 02:03:00 PM
One day, a large panda dressed in a suede coat walked into a Chinese restaurant. He sat down and ordered a meal. Because of his large paws, he had a little difficulty with the chopsticks, but he eventually finished his food.
As soon as his meal was finished, the panda reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a revolver and blew six holes in the roof.
He then pocketed the revolver again, and left.
The manager, obviously and understandably baffled by this strange event, chased after the panda.
'Hey!' he shouted. 'What in the world did you do that for? All my customers are frightened to death.'
The panda bear stopped, turned slowly, and growled: "Look it up."
The man was curious, so after he had the roof repaired, he went home. He immidiately removed his encyclopedias from the shelf, and looked up "Panda"
He read:
"Panda n. Ailuropoda melanoleuca, a large, endangered species of bear indigeonous to the Orient. Eats shoots and leaves."
(This is the clean version of this old Panda joke, I must find the other one later). ¶ 10/24/2005 02:03:00 PM
Four Worms, Four Jars
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" ¶ 10/24/2005 01:51:00 PM
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" ¶ 10/24/2005 01:51:00 PM
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Surgeon and the Poker Game
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!" ¶ 10/23/2005 09:30:00 AM
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!" ¶ 10/23/2005 09:30:00 AM
A guy leaves his place at the bar...
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go to the bathroom. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The bartender approaches the customer and asks what the problem is. "Oh some SOB snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head."
"Damn! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?" ¶ 10/23/2005 09:28:00 AM
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go to the bathroom. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The bartender approaches the customer and asks what the problem is. "Oh some SOB snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head."
"Damn! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?" ¶ 10/23/2005 09:28:00 AM
Fishy Story
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked. ¶ 10/23/2005 12:14:00 AM
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked. ¶ 10/23/2005 12:14:00 AM
Smoking and Drinking
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did."
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What have I done?”
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. “You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.” ¶ 10/23/2005 12:10:00 AM
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did."
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What have I done?”
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. “You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.” ¶ 10/23/2005 12:10:00 AM
Friday, October 21, 2005
Lawyer Joke: What do sperm and lawyers have in common?
What do sperm and lawyers have in common?
One in fifty million has a chance of becoming human! ¶ 10/21/2005 10:30:00 PM
What do sperm and lawyers have in common?
One in fifty million has a chance of becoming human! ¶ 10/21/2005 10:30:00 PM
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Finding Your Inner Peace
I am passing this Message on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all do with a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read:
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have
started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished … and before leaving the house this morning I finished off:
You have no idea how bloody good I feel!
¶ 10/20/2005 05:53:00 PM
I am passing this Message on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all do with a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read:
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have
started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished … and before leaving the house this morning I finished off:
- a bottle of red wine
- a bottle of white wine
- the Baileys
- three Bacardi Breezers
- the Jack Daniels
- the Prozac
- some Valium
- some cheesecake
- and a box of chocolates
You have no idea how bloody good I feel!
¶ 10/20/2005 05:53:00 PM
Quick Irish Joke
Two irishmen walking past a logging company and looked at the vacancies board calling for "tree fellers"
"Ah tis a shme old seamus isn't with us, we could have got the job!" ¶ 10/20/2005 05:01:00 PM
Two irishmen walking past a logging company and looked at the vacancies board calling for "tree fellers"
"Ah tis a shme old seamus isn't with us, we could have got the job!" ¶ 10/20/2005 05:01:00 PM
Cosmetic Surgery...
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my ***hole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" ¶ 10/20/2005 04:13:00 PM
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my ***hole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" ¶ 10/20/2005 04:13:00 PM
MY RESUME...
- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
- Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
- After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
- Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
- I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
- Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
- Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
- My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
- I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
- Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I Just didn't fit in.
- I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
- I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
- I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
- So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
- Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
- After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
A guy goes to a doctor...
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's organ isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real a*shole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was
happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. Damn, am I glad to be rid of that old b*tch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some p*rno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!" ¶ 10/20/2005 03:45:00 PM
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's organ isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real a*shole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was
happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. Damn, am I glad to be rid of that old b*tch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some p*rno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!" ¶ 10/20/2005 03:45:00 PM
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Sending the Wife to the Hardware Store
Harlow was fixing a door & he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied "That's silver, & it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, & Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied "No, but I will for the teapot." ¶ 10/19/2005 10:46:00 PM
Harlow was fixing a door & he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied "That's silver, & it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, & Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied "No, but I will for the teapot." ¶ 10/19/2005 10:46:00 PM
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Halloween Jokes: One Liners
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation... ¶ 10/18/2005 11:45:00 PM
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation... ¶ 10/18/2005 11:45:00 PM
A marine biologist...
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. ¶ 10/18/2005 11:39:00 PM
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. ¶ 10/18/2005 11:39:00 PM
Halloween Humor: A groaner...
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."
The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him.
The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a packet of cough sweets which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly "the coffin stops." ¶ 10/18/2005 11:36:00 PM
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."
The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him.
The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a packet of cough sweets which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly "the coffin stops." ¶ 10/18/2005 11:36:00 PM
Halloween Humor : Bat Joke
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" ¶ 10/18/2005 11:33:00 PM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" ¶ 10/18/2005 11:33:00 PM
Monday, October 17, 2005
Lady Golfer Stung by a Bee
A lady golfer ran into the clubhouse screaming,
"HELP, HELP! I've been stung by a bee and I'm allergic."
The golf pro responded, "Where?"
The lady answered, "Between the first and second hole!"
The pro stated, "You're stance is too wide."
I’m sure I’ve posted this on here before, but it deserves a second showing. ¶ 10/17/2005 07:48:00 PM
A lady golfer ran into the clubhouse screaming,
"HELP, HELP! I've been stung by a bee and I'm allergic."
The golf pro responded, "Where?"
The lady answered, "Between the first and second hole!"
The pro stated, "You're stance is too wide."
I’m sure I’ve posted this on here before, but it deserves a second showing. ¶ 10/17/2005 07:48:00 PM
Q: What do you call a shitzu?
Q: What do you call a shitzu?
A: One with no animals...." ¶ 10/17/2005 07:40:00 PM
Q: What do you call a shitzu?
A: One with no animals...." ¶ 10/17/2005 07:40:00 PM
Maria - Two Marriages and 39 Kids
Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward.
"At least they're finally together."
"Excuse me, Father," says one of her sons, "but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs." ¶ 10/17/2005 07:38:00 PM
Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward.
"At least they're finally together."
"Excuse me, Father," says one of her sons, "but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs." ¶ 10/17/2005 07:38:00 PM
Drug Store
This guy goes in a drug store and says to the clerk. "Miss, I would like three condoms please.”
The feminist clerk says." Don’t Miss me."
The guy says. "OK! Make it four condoms then" ¶ 10/17/2005 07:32:00 PM
This guy goes in a drug store and says to the clerk. "Miss, I would like three condoms please.”
The feminist clerk says." Don’t Miss me."
The guy says. "OK! Make it four condoms then" ¶ 10/17/2005 07:32:00 PM
Thursday, October 13, 2005
1981 / 2005
Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died ¶ 10/13/2005 01:59:00 AM
Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died ¶ 10/13/2005 01:59:00 AM
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Big Game Hunter
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess; let him get himself out of it!" ¶ 10/12/2005 01:11:00 AM
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess; let him get himself out of it!" ¶ 10/12/2005 01:11:00 AM
US Army Sergeant on parade
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames" "Here!"
"Jenson" "Here!"
"Jones" "Here!"
"Magersky" "Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear.
He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side. ¶ 10/12/2005 01:09:00 AM
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames" "Here!"
"Jenson" "Here!"
"Jones" "Here!"
"Magersky" "Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear.
He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side. ¶ 10/12/2005 01:09:00 AM
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Boudreaux and Hurricane Katrina
Due to hurricane Katrina, the floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbour, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float
far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dat my husband; I tole dat Cajun he gonna cut da grass today come hell or high water… ¶ 10/11/2005 12:35:00 AM
Due to hurricane Katrina, the floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbour, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float
far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dat my husband; I tole dat Cajun he gonna cut da grass today come hell or high water… ¶ 10/11/2005 12:35:00 AM
Monday, October 10, 2005
The Smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walked from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting for him.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints”.
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends, who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!" ¶ 10/10/2005 12:14:00 AM
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walked from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting for him.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints”.
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends, who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!" ¶ 10/10/2005 12:14:00 AM
Two canaries...
Two canaries are sitting on a Perch. One turns to the other and asks "Can you smell fish?" ¶ 10/10/2005 12:09:00 AM
Two canaries are sitting on a Perch. One turns to the other and asks "Can you smell fish?" ¶ 10/10/2005 12:09:00 AM
Chicken Surprise
A couple decides to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around again before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter...
"I've brought you the Peking Duck."
¶ 10/10/2005 12:06:00 AM
A couple decides to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around again before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter...
"I've brought you the Peking Duck."
¶ 10/10/2005 12:06:00 AM
Grandpa Safe Sex Rules
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young, did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring." ¶ 10/10/2005 12:02:00 AM
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young, did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring." ¶ 10/10/2005 12:02:00 AM
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Thinking of the Wife
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
"Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow replied. "Please bring up a postcard." ¶ 10/09/2005 11:58:00 PM
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
"Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow replied. "Please bring up a postcard." ¶ 10/09/2005 11:58:00 PM
Monday, October 03, 2005
Young Boy Asking His Gran
A young boy of 5 was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside her house for a while when he came into the house.
"Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?”.
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
"It is called sexual intercourse darling."
The little guy just said "Ok" and went out to play again. In a few minutes he came back inside again and said angrily to his grandmother:
"Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunkbeds!" ¶ 10/03/2005 04:02:00 PM
A young boy of 5 was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside her house for a while when he came into the house.
"Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?”.
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
"It is called sexual intercourse darling."
The little guy just said "Ok" and went out to play again. In a few minutes he came back inside again and said angrily to his grandmother:
"Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunkbeds!" ¶ 10/03/2005 04:02:00 PM
A man goes to the doctor...
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg.
After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.
He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes." ¶ 10/03/2005 03:58:00 PM
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg.
After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.
He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes." ¶ 10/03/2005 03:58:00 PM
Paddy and Murphy
Paddy and Murphy were walking in the highlands then suddenly Paddy fell down a deep hole.
"Are you ok?" said Murphy.
"Fine thanks!" said Paddy.
"Did you break anything Paddy?"
"No, there's nothing down here!" ¶ 10/03/2005 03:50:00 PM
Paddy and Murphy were walking in the highlands then suddenly Paddy fell down a deep hole.
"Are you ok?" said Murphy.
"Fine thanks!" said Paddy.
"Did you break anything Paddy?"
"No, there's nothing down here!" ¶ 10/03/2005 03:50:00 PM
The Hitman and Her
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
if join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her ....... He's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife,she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
¶ 10/03/2005 02:41:00 PM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
if join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her ....... He's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife,she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
¶ 10/03/2005 02:41:00 PM
Sleeping Problems
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your troubles will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hard to get him to swallow the pill!" ¶ 10/03/2005 02:39:00 PM
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your troubles will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hard to get him to swallow the pill!" ¶ 10/03/2005 02:39:00 PM
The local sheriff
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer-who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket-went in to apply for the job. "OK", the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is one and one?"
"Eleven," Gomer replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." So he asked, "What two day's of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow," Gomer replied.
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer he had never considered.
"Now, Gomer, listen carefully: who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised, then thought hard for a minute before finally admitting, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So Gomer wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job, and I'm aleady working on a murder case!" ¶ 10/03/2005 02:34:00 PM
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer-who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket-went in to apply for the job. "OK", the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is one and one?"
"Eleven," Gomer replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." So he asked, "What two day's of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow," Gomer replied.
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer he had never considered.
"Now, Gomer, listen carefully: who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised, then thought hard for a minute before finally admitting, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So Gomer wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job, and I'm aleady working on a murder case!" ¶ 10/03/2005 02:34:00 PM
Two elderly ladies...
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing."Oh! Ted died last week.
He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead." ¶ 10/03/2005 02:32:00 PM
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing."Oh! Ted died last week.
He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead." ¶ 10/03/2005 02:32:00 PM
Divine right
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists. ¶ 10/03/2005 02:31:00 PM
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists. ¶ 10/03/2005 02:31:00 PM
Friendship
Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.
Friendship among men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there. ¶ 10/03/2005 02:29:00 PM
Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.
Friendship among men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there. ¶ 10/03/2005 02:29:00 PM
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Cheating Boyfriend
A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, “Honey, don’t do it...”
The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re next!” ¶ 10/01/2005 02:29:00 PM
A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, “Honey, don’t do it...”
The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re next!” ¶ 10/01/2005 02:29:00 PM
Golf Ball
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake..." "What did you do?", asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!". ¶ 10/01/2005 02:28:00 PM
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake..." "What did you do?", asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!". ¶ 10/01/2005 02:28:00 PM
Riding with an Indian
A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.
An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback." ¶ 10/01/2005 02:26:00 PM
A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.
An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback." ¶ 10/01/2005 02:26:00 PM
