'Tickling the Bone'
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
A man goes into a doctor...
A man goes into a doctors surgery and sits down nervously before the GP. "what's the problem?" asks the doctor. "you will laugh!" said the patient. "No I won't" the doctor said,"I am a professional. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient!"
"Ok then", said the patient and dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut. The doctor began to chuckle and before long fell to the floor laughing hysterically. After ten minutes he managed to calm himself down and struggled to his feet apologising profusely. "I am so sorry" said the doctor," I really am...I don't know what came over me. As a doctor and a gentleman I promise I won't let anything like that happen again, now, what's seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen!" said the patient
¶ 8/31/2005 02:46:00 PM
A man goes into a doctors surgery and sits down nervously before the GP. "what's the problem?" asks the doctor. "you will laugh!" said the patient. "No I won't" the doctor said,"I am a professional. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient!"
"Ok then", said the patient and dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut. The doctor began to chuckle and before long fell to the floor laughing hysterically. After ten minutes he managed to calm himself down and struggled to his feet apologising profusely. "I am so sorry" said the doctor," I really am...I don't know what came over me. As a doctor and a gentleman I promise I won't let anything like that happen again, now, what's seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen!" said the patient
¶ 8/31/2005 02:46:00 PM
Hiccups
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack)
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, ""No, but my wife out in the car still does!" ¶ 8/31/2005 02:28:00 AM
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack)
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, ""No, but my wife out in the car still does!" ¶ 8/31/2005 02:28:00 AM
Bears
In bear country, it is a good idea to wear small silver bells to warn bears of your approach.
It is also a good idea to carry pepper spray, in case you still surprise the bear, and need to defend yourself.
Hikers should also be on the lookout for bear faeces, as this is often the first warning of bears in the area.
Black bear faeces are generally smaller, smells of fish, and usually contains berries.
Grizzly bear faeces are quite large, smells like pepper, and often contains small silver bells. ¶ 8/31/2005 02:25:00 AM
In bear country, it is a good idea to wear small silver bells to warn bears of your approach.
It is also a good idea to carry pepper spray, in case you still surprise the bear, and need to defend yourself.
Hikers should also be on the lookout for bear faeces, as this is often the first warning of bears in the area.
Black bear faeces are generally smaller, smells of fish, and usually contains berries.
Grizzly bear faeces are quite large, smells like pepper, and often contains small silver bells. ¶ 8/31/2005 02:25:00 AM
Maths Trick
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number (NOT using the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer? ¶ 8/31/2005 02:13:00 AM
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number (NOT using the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer? ¶ 8/31/2005 02:13:00 AM
Perfect Mate
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!" ¶ 8/31/2005 02:03:00 AM
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!" ¶ 8/31/2005 02:03:00 AM
Redneck Hunting Trip
Two rednecks got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one guy asked the other,
"Any idea where we are?"
"Yup, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year!” ¶ 8/31/2005 02:00:00 AM
Two rednecks got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one guy asked the other,
"Any idea where we are?"
"Yup, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year!” ¶ 8/31/2005 02:00:00 AM
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Funny Ism's
- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
- For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
- If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
- Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
- Some people are like slinkies..........they are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Suffering...
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem.
She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Not exactly. I mean, she's the one that suffers, not me." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:31:00 AM
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem.
She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Not exactly. I mean, she's the one that suffers, not me." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:31:00 AM
What is a penis?
Several first grade boys overheard some junior high boys talking about a penis. The first graders asked each other, "What's a penis?" None of them knew.
Finally one boy said, "I'll ask my Dad, he knows everything."
That evening the boy asked his Dad, "What's a penis?"
The father replied, "Well, if you're old enough to ask I guess you're old enough to know." Dad dropped his pants and said, "That's a penis! As a matter of fact, that's a perfect penis!"
The next day the boy told his friends, "I found out what a penis is, come on, I'll show you."
The others followed him to the bathroom and watched him drop his pants. The boy, exposing himself to his friends, said, "That's a penis!
As a matter of fact, if it was two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!" ¶ 8/30/2005 12:30:00 AM
Several first grade boys overheard some junior high boys talking about a penis. The first graders asked each other, "What's a penis?" None of them knew.
Finally one boy said, "I'll ask my Dad, he knows everything."
That evening the boy asked his Dad, "What's a penis?"
The father replied, "Well, if you're old enough to ask I guess you're old enough to know." Dad dropped his pants and said, "That's a penis! As a matter of fact, that's a perfect penis!"
The next day the boy told his friends, "I found out what a penis is, come on, I'll show you."
The others followed him to the bathroom and watched him drop his pants. The boy, exposing himself to his friends, said, "That's a penis!
As a matter of fact, if it was two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!" ¶ 8/30/2005 12:30:00 AM
Plane Crew
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it The cock pit. Now it's the box office." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:27:00 AM
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it The cock pit. Now it's the box office." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:27:00 AM
One Hundred Dollars on a Night Out
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:26:00 AM
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:26:00 AM
Bill Gates Meeting
I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "feck off Gates, I'm in a meeting." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:23:00 AM
I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "feck off Gates, I'm in a meeting." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:23:00 AM
Father-Son Letter Exchange
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Your dad ¶ 8/30/2005 12:13:00 AM
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Your dad ¶ 8/30/2005 12:13:00 AM
Playing Doctor
John complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative John . Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour? That's what I do," Bill said.
"Sounds great," John replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Easy, just keep her in the waiting room for 55minutes!" ¶ 8/30/2005 12:09:00 AM
John complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative John . Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour? That's what I do," Bill said.
"Sounds great," John replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Easy, just keep her in the waiting room for 55minutes!" ¶ 8/30/2005 12:09:00 AM
Lexical Research
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? ¶ 8/30/2005 12:08:00 AM
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? ¶ 8/30/2005 12:08:00 AM
Walking on Water
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great- grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb nut, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:03:00 AM
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great- grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb nut, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July." ¶ 8/30/2005 12:03:00 AM
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up
Feathers were down
Paper was stationary
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading
Knives were up sharply
Cows steered into a bull market
Pencils lost a few points
Elevators rose
Escalators continued their slow decline
Light switches were off
Mining equipment hit rock bottom
Diapers remained unchanged
The market for raisins dried up
Coco Cola fizzled
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit
Balloon prices were inflated
And, Scott tissue touched a new bottom
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Guy goes to the Doctor
This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly.....
"Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"
"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient." ¶ 8/25/2005 06:06:00 PM
This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly.....
"Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"
"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient." ¶ 8/25/2005 06:06:00 PM
A woman and a baby
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor
ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!" ¶ 8/25/2005 06:06:00 PM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor
ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!" ¶ 8/25/2005 06:06:00 PM
Medical Stories
A man comes into the ER and yells,"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs.I was in the wrong one.Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderlyand slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths," I instructed."Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news, when I told a wife thather husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the restof the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly."Now your left." Again, a flawless read."Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even readthe large E on the top line.I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;he was standing there with both his eyes covered.I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,he informed me, that he was having trouble with one of his medications."Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a newone every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch, before applyinga new one.Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,"How long have you been bedridden?"After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why? Not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,"So how's your breakfast this morning?""It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I just can't seem toget used to the taste," the patient replied.I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packetlabeled "KY Jelly."Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman withpurple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoosand wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that thepatient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staffnoticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was atattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on thepatient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassedperforming female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he hadunconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged ladyupon whom he was performing this exam, suddenly burst out laughingand further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishlysaid, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I wasan Oscar Meyer Wiener'." ¶ 8/25/2005 06:05:00 PM
A man comes into the ER and yells,"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs.I was in the wrong one.Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderlyand slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths," I instructed."Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news, when I told a wife thather husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the restof the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly."Now your left." Again, a flawless read."Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even readthe large E on the top line.I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;he was standing there with both his eyes covered.I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,he informed me, that he was having trouble with one of his medications."Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a newone every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch, before applyinga new one.Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,"How long have you been bedridden?"After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why? Not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,"So how's your breakfast this morning?""It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I just can't seem toget used to the taste," the patient replied.I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packetlabeled "KY Jelly."Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman withpurple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoosand wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that thepatient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staffnoticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was atattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on thepatient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassedperforming female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he hadunconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged ladyupon whom he was performing this exam, suddenly burst out laughingand further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishlysaid, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I wasan Oscar Meyer Wiener'." ¶ 8/25/2005 06:05:00 PM
Boudreaux's Sales Pitch
Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first ¶ 8/25/2005 05:55:00 PM
Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first ¶ 8/25/2005 05:55:00 PM
Towel
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!" ¶ 8/25/2005 05:50:00 PM
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!" ¶ 8/25/2005 05:50:00 PM
Tear that thing up
When I was in basic training, our NCO always started the instructions for the days classes with a joke, usually a story about one of the other NCOs....one morning, he said, "Men, your Sargent Cooper over there, he went on leave to town last Friday...saw this FINE lookin' snake a-sashayin' along....as she passed, he says, 'I could tear that thing up!' "
She stops and says, "What'd you say, soldier?"
"Uh, nothin', ma'am, I didn't say a thing!"
"Oh, I heard you, you said you could tear that thing up...well, come along to my place and prove it!"
So, Cooper is soon in the saddle, just a-workin' that thing for all he's worth, and the gal reaches over on the nightstand and picks up one o' them stir-sticks like you get with coffee? She starts tappin' Cooper on the ass with it, and it gets to him, so he says, "Woman, what th' hell you doin'?"
She says, "Sarge, if you're tearing that thing up, I is beatin' yo ass to death with this here stick...." ¶ 8/25/2005 07:07:00 AM
When I was in basic training, our NCO always started the instructions for the days classes with a joke, usually a story about one of the other NCOs....one morning, he said, "Men, your Sargent Cooper over there, he went on leave to town last Friday...saw this FINE lookin' snake a-sashayin' along....as she passed, he says, 'I could tear that thing up!' "
She stops and says, "What'd you say, soldier?"
"Uh, nothin', ma'am, I didn't say a thing!"
"Oh, I heard you, you said you could tear that thing up...well, come along to my place and prove it!"
So, Cooper is soon in the saddle, just a-workin' that thing for all he's worth, and the gal reaches over on the nightstand and picks up one o' them stir-sticks like you get with coffee? She starts tappin' Cooper on the ass with it, and it gets to him, so he says, "Woman, what th' hell you doin'?"
She says, "Sarge, if you're tearing that thing up, I is beatin' yo ass to death with this here stick...." ¶ 8/25/2005 07:07:00 AM
Ponderings....
- Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
- Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee...
- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
- I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash...
- A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
- Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
- You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it...
- True friends stab you in the front.
- Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
- Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
- They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
A Porche for 15 dollars
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." ¶ 8/23/2005 09:32:00 PM
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." ¶ 8/23/2005 09:32:00 PM
David Hasselhof
David Hasselhof goes into a bar and the barman says; "Hey Mr. Hasselhof what would you like to drink?" and David Hasselhof says, "I'll have a beer and hey - you can call me Hof." The barman says "That's ok David - no hassle" ¶ 8/23/2005 09:27:00 PM
David Hasselhof goes into a bar and the barman says; "Hey Mr. Hasselhof what would you like to drink?" and David Hasselhof says, "I'll have a beer and hey - you can call me Hof." The barman says "That's ok David - no hassle" ¶ 8/23/2005 09:27:00 PM
How to deal with a telemarketer
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling? The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood", then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, it was the best meal in a long time. ¶ 8/23/2005 09:26:00 PM
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling? The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood", then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, it was the best meal in a long time. ¶ 8/23/2005 09:26:00 PM
I checked into a hotel - oops
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths.
I saw one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo, beautiful. So I pick up the card and I call the number.
"Hello?" the woman says.
"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me a massage. No, wait, I want sex. I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys, do the lot, all night, tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9." ¶ 8/23/2005 09:22:00 PM
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths.
I saw one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo, beautiful. So I pick up the card and I call the number.
"Hello?" the woman says.
"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me a massage. No, wait, I want sex. I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys, do the lot, all night, tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9." ¶ 8/23/2005 09:22:00 PM
Learning to talk again
A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"
The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."
The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can.
The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!" ¶ 8/23/2005 09:18:00 PM
A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"
The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."
The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can.
The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!" ¶ 8/23/2005 09:18:00 PM
Old Lady - 22yr old husband
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!" ¶ 8/23/2005 06:12:00 PM
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!" ¶ 8/23/2005 06:12:00 PM
Born Again
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!" ¶ 8/23/2005 06:11:00 PM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!" ¶ 8/23/2005 06:11:00 PM
Elderly couple on a cruise
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." ¶ 8/23/2005 06:09:00 PM
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." ¶ 8/23/2005 06:09:00 PM
Died of Gonorrhea
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big turd he always was. ¶ 8/23/2005 06:07:00 PM
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big turd he always was. ¶ 8/23/2005 06:07:00 PM
Monday, August 22, 2005
One Liners
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and* nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
If you love someone, fight fair.
Never turn down the conversation of a child.
A massage can change your whole world view.
I have a bi-colour lawn: brown grass and green weeds.
Happiness is working in your own area code.
Do not share things that are dear to you with people who are not.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand.
Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
Plastic surgery: the work-out routine for the rich.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
I've learned more from silence than from any other teacher.
If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
For that matter, how come wrong numbers are never busy?
Skydivers are good to the last drop. ¶ 8/22/2005 10:41:00 PM
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and* nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
If you love someone, fight fair.
Never turn down the conversation of a child.
A massage can change your whole world view.
I have a bi-colour lawn: brown grass and green weeds.
Happiness is working in your own area code.
Do not share things that are dear to you with people who are not.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand.
Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
Plastic surgery: the work-out routine for the rich.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
I've learned more from silence than from any other teacher.
If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
For that matter, how come wrong numbers are never busy?
Skydivers are good to the last drop. ¶ 8/22/2005 10:41:00 PM
Golf and Kids
Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks
me excitedly, "Did you win, Dad?"
I have explained to him time and time again that you're
really just playing against yourself.
This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to
play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in
the hotel pool, which was full of young kids and surrounded
by dozens of parents. From across the pool, at the top of
his lungs, my son yelled,
"Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself?
We checked out that night ¶ 8/22/2005 10:38:00 PM
Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks
me excitedly, "Did you win, Dad?"
I have explained to him time and time again that you're
really just playing against yourself.
This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to
play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in
the hotel pool, which was full of young kids and surrounded
by dozens of parents. From across the pool, at the top of
his lungs, my son yelled,
"Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself?
We checked out that night ¶ 8/22/2005 10:38:00 PM
Any Jews in Mexico
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews." ¶ 8/22/2005 10:36:00 PM
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews." ¶ 8/22/2005 10:36:00 PM
A penguin walks into...
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Has my brother been in here today?"
"I don't know, what does he look like?", replies the barman. ¶ 8/22/2005 09:16:00 AM
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Has my brother been in here today?"
"I don't know, what does he look like?", replies the barman. ¶ 8/22/2005 09:16:00 AM
My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night.
Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd.
Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum.
"Sherlock,what the hell are you doing?"
Dr Watson gasps.
Sherlock smiles and replies."It's a lemon entry my dear Watson".
Hypnotist Error
It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Crap" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre ¶ 8/22/2005 08:59:00 AM
It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Crap" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre ¶ 8/22/2005 08:59:00 AM
Life...
A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND. ¶ 8/22/2005 08:53:00 AM
A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND. ¶ 8/22/2005 08:53:00 AM
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Corporate Lessons
Corporate Lessons 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop
that towel" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
It was Bob the next door neighbor,"she replies. "Great!"
the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 He owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to Credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, Forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her
way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory"
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, " I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"
says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world. "Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the
sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. "Poof!
He's gone. "OK, you're up, "the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up. ¶ 8/18/2005 04:39:00 PM
Corporate Lessons 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop
that towel" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
It was Bob the next door neighbor,"she replies. "Great!"
the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 He owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to Credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, Forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her
way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory"
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, " I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"
says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world. "Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the
sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. "Poof!
He's gone. "OK, you're up, "the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up. ¶ 8/18/2005 04:39:00 PM
Kids Eh ?
One day there was a man sat at the bar looking sadly into his pint of beer, sighing heavily.
"What's the matter pal?" asked the barman.
"Well," replied the man, "It's my little five year old son. He got my next door neighbour pregnant!"
"But that’s impossible!" replied the barman.
"No it's not," cried the man, "the little bugger punctured all my condoms with a needle!" ¶ 8/18/2005 04:36:00 PM
One day there was a man sat at the bar looking sadly into his pint of beer, sighing heavily.
"What's the matter pal?" asked the barman.
"Well," replied the man, "It's my little five year old son. He got my next door neighbour pregnant!"
"But that’s impossible!" replied the barman.
"No it's not," cried the man, "the little bugger punctured all my condoms with a needle!" ¶ 8/18/2005 04:36:00 PM
Two Story House
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.' ¶ 8/18/2005 04:35:00 PM
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.' ¶ 8/18/2005 04:35:00 PM
My New Name
Because of recent terrorist activity, it is prudent for security reasons to have A Muslim name.
So, from now on, please call me by my new Muslim name:
Seldom Bin Layed ¶ 8/18/2005 04:33:00 PM
Because of recent terrorist activity, it is prudent for security reasons to have A Muslim name.
So, from now on, please call me by my new Muslim name:
Seldom Bin Layed ¶ 8/18/2005 04:33:00 PM
Three Black Men
A couple is at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis."
The artist says "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch. ¶ 8/18/2005 04:30:00 PM
A couple is at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis."
The artist says "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch. ¶ 8/18/2005 04:30:00 PM
Serious Accident
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" ¶ 8/18/2005 04:29:00 PM
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" ¶ 8/18/2005 04:29:00 PM
Nature Calls
A guy's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little roadhouse up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.
When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere.
The guy scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.
When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his drawers and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole.
Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.
"What happened!?!" says the guy.
The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!" ¶ 8/18/2005 04:24:00 PM
A guy's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little roadhouse up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.
When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere.
The guy scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.
When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his drawers and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole.
Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.
"What happened!?!" says the guy.
The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!" ¶ 8/18/2005 04:24:00 PM
Miss Brown
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you." ¶ 8/18/2005 04:20:00 PM
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you." ¶ 8/18/2005 04:20:00 PM
I am so Broke...
- I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
- I'm so broke me and my girlfriend got married for the rice.
- I'm so broke, if a trip around the world cost a nickel, I wouldn't have enough to leave the couch!
- I'm so broke that I just went into McDonald's and put a small fry onlayaway.
- If pickles were 10 cents a truckload I couldn't buy a wart off a cucumber!
- I'm so broke, just to rub two nickels together, I'd have to borrow one.
- We were so broke, that at Christmas, all we could exchange was glances.
- I'm so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back.
- I'm so broke, long distance companies don't even call me to switch!
- If I stopped on a dime, I'd probably owe it to someone.
- I ain't broke, but I'm severely bent.
- Someone saw me kicking a can down the street, and when asked what I was doing I said, "Moving."
- I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention!
- A guy walked into our house, stepped on a cigarette and my Mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"
- I'm so broke that when someone saw my Mom walking down the street with one shoe, they said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." She said, "No, I found one."
- We're so broke that if someone rings our doorbell I have to yell, "Ding Dong!" out the window.
Teacher
The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?"All the kids looked baffled by the question except Rufus, who raises his hand and waves it excitedly."Yes, Rufus, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher asked.Replied Rufus, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February second, March second..." ¶ 8/18/2005 04:08:00 PM
The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?"All the kids looked baffled by the question except Rufus, who raises his hand and waves it excitedly."Yes, Rufus, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher asked.Replied Rufus, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February second, March second..." ¶ 8/18/2005 04:08:00 PM
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
European Wasps
A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down theHigh St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subjecthas just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Waspshe is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds ofEuropean Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with hisheadphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds fromaround the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar".
The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures theWorld renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeedlistening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returnsto the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds heonce again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Waspsounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening tothe correct recording?"
Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currentlyplaying and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses: "Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side”
¶ 8/16/2005 04:06:00 PM
A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down theHigh St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subjecthas just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Waspshe is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds ofEuropean Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with hisheadphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds fromaround the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar".
The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures theWorld renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeedlistening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returnsto the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds heonce again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Waspsounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening tothe correct recording?"
Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currentlyplaying and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses: "Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side”
¶ 8/16/2005 04:06:00 PM
This is what marriage is about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out
the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the
cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger,
the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they
can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they
were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we
are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered....
"THE TEETH." ¶ 8/16/2005 04:05:00 PM
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out
the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the
cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger,
the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they
can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they
were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we
are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered....
"THE TEETH." ¶ 8/16/2005 04:05:00 PM
Thursday, August 04, 2005
George Best
George Best awoke one morning and noticed he was a lot yellower than normal. Fearing that his new liver transplant was failing he rushed around to his doctor. After an exhaustive series of test and examinations the specialist said "George, I have some good news and some bad news!"
"Ok" said George, "give me the Bad news!"
"well, if you don't change your lifestyle you could be dead within 3 months!" said the specialist.
"Well,if that is the bad news" said George,"what is the good news?"
The specialist replied. I may be able to get you a part in the Simpsons!" ¶ 8/04/2005 09:29:00 PM
George Best awoke one morning and noticed he was a lot yellower than normal. Fearing that his new liver transplant was failing he rushed around to his doctor. After an exhaustive series of test and examinations the specialist said "George, I have some good news and some bad news!"
"Ok" said George, "give me the Bad news!"
"well, if you don't change your lifestyle you could be dead within 3 months!" said the specialist.
"Well,if that is the bad news" said George,"what is the good news?"
The specialist replied. I may be able to get you a part in the Simpsons!" ¶ 8/04/2005 09:29:00 PM
Cops
This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!" ¶ 8/04/2005 01:54:00 AM
This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!" ¶ 8/04/2005 01:54:00 AM
Chair?
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one
question final exam after a semester dealing
with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go
when the professor picked up his chair, plopped
it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using
everything we have learned this semester, prove
that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled
in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30
pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence
of the chair. One member of the class however, was
up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of
the group wondered how he could have gotten an A
when he had barely written anything at all. His answer
consisted of two words:
"What chair?" ¶ 8/04/2005 01:49:00 AM
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one
question final exam after a semester dealing
with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go
when the professor picked up his chair, plopped
it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using
everything we have learned this semester, prove
that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled
in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30
pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence
of the chair. One member of the class however, was
up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of
the group wondered how he could have gotten an A
when he had barely written anything at all. His answer
consisted of two words:
"What chair?" ¶ 8/04/2005 01:49:00 AM
Involuntary Muscles
A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..." ¶ 8/04/2005 01:48:00 AM
A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..." ¶ 8/04/2005 01:48:00 AM
Bubba and his friends...
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone that there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton, "his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'" ¶ 8/04/2005 01:46:00 AM
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone that there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton, "his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'" ¶ 8/04/2005 01:46:00 AM
Monday, August 01, 2005
Religious Instruction Class
Teacher, "Now children, who made heaven and earth?" Little Mary was nodding off in front of Tommy when he jabs her with a sharp pencil "God almighty!" little Mary shouts out. "Well done Mary says the teacher" "Now who was sent down to earth to save us?" Tommy pokes Mary once more! "Jesus Christ" she shouts out.Well done again Mary" says the teacher "and now, what did Eve say after her 23rd child?" Yet again Tommy pokes Mary with his pencil and Mary shouts out "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break the bloody thing in half!" Teacher promptly fainted ¶ 8/01/2005 08:36:00 PM
Teacher, "Now children, who made heaven and earth?" Little Mary was nodding off in front of Tommy when he jabs her with a sharp pencil "God almighty!" little Mary shouts out. "Well done Mary says the teacher" "Now who was sent down to earth to save us?" Tommy pokes Mary once more! "Jesus Christ" she shouts out.Well done again Mary" says the teacher "and now, what did Eve say after her 23rd child?" Yet again Tommy pokes Mary with his pencil and Mary shouts out "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break the bloody thing in half!" Teacher promptly fainted ¶ 8/01/2005 08:36:00 PM
