'Tickling the Bone'
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Post Turtle
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man were discussing President Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know, G.W. Bush is a post turtle".
So, not knowing what he meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
The old man said "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. ¶ 7/23/2005 01:12:00 AM
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man were discussing President Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know, G.W. Bush is a post turtle".
So, not knowing what he meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
The old man said "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. ¶ 7/23/2005 01:12:00 AM
Worst experience
Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was
hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ." ¶ 7/23/2005 01:11:00 AM
Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was
hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ." ¶ 7/23/2005 01:11:00 AM
Bird calls
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." ¶ 7/23/2005 01:10:00 AM
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." ¶ 7/23/2005 01:10:00 AM
Invention
Guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs.
He tells the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle".
Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it?
Inventor: A fottle.
Clerk: That's a silly name, can’t you think of something else?
Inventor: I'll think about it,.. I've got something else here, a folding carton.
Clerk: And what do you call that?
Inventor: A farton.
Clerk: That's rude, you can't possibly use that name.
Inventor: Gee, you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket. ¶ 7/23/2005 01:08:00 AM
Guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs.
He tells the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle".
Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it?
Inventor: A fottle.
Clerk: That's a silly name, can’t you think of something else?
Inventor: I'll think about it,.. I've got something else here, a folding carton.
Clerk: And what do you call that?
Inventor: A farton.
Clerk: That's rude, you can't possibly use that name.
Inventor: Gee, you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket. ¶ 7/23/2005 01:08:00 AM
Armless
An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street." ¶ 7/23/2005 01:06:00 AM
An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street." ¶ 7/23/2005 01:06:00 AM
Friday, July 22, 2005
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?" ¶ 7/22/2005 01:18:00 PM
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?" ¶ 7/22/2005 01:18:00 PM
X-rated movie
Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'." ¶ 7/22/2005 01:17:00 PM
Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'." ¶ 7/22/2005 01:17:00 PM
Beautiful Woman...
A beautiful woman was buried up to her neck in sand and left to die at a beach for cheating on her husband who was a pirate. A guy came along and ask, " Hey....If I dig you up......what's in it for me" ?? She says..."sand" ¶ 7/22/2005 01:11:00 PM
A beautiful woman was buried up to her neck in sand and left to die at a beach for cheating on her husband who was a pirate. A guy came along and ask, " Hey....If I dig you up......what's in it for me" ?? She says..."sand" ¶ 7/22/2005 01:11:00 PM
The Nuns bicycle ride..
Two nuns decided to ride into town from the convent. They got on their
bicycles and began their trip. Once in town, the nuns turned down an old,
cobbled side street.
The first nun says to the other, "I don't think I've ever come this way
before."
The other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles!" ¶ 7/22/2005 01:05:00 PM
Two nuns decided to ride into town from the convent. They got on their
bicycles and began their trip. Once in town, the nuns turned down an old,
cobbled side street.
The first nun says to the other, "I don't think I've ever come this way
before."
The other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles!" ¶ 7/22/2005 01:05:00 PM
Traffic Cop
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket...
So, I goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break???"
He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!!
So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!!!
This went on for about 25 minutes...the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.... ¶ 7/22/2005 12:59:00 PM
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket...
So, I goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break???"
He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!!
So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!!!
This went on for about 25 minutes...the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.... ¶ 7/22/2005 12:59:00 PM
fly-spray
A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to the assistant and asked, “Is this this good for wasps?”
After looking at it for a moment, he replied, “No madam, it will kill them.” ¶ 7/22/2005 12:54:00 PM
A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to the assistant and asked, “Is this this good for wasps?”
After looking at it for a moment, he replied, “No madam, it will kill them.” ¶ 7/22/2005 12:54:00 PM
"Facelift"
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5000.00 and feels pretty good about
the results. On her way home she stops at a
newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she
asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the
woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon
getting her order, asks the counter girl the same
question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The
woman replies, "Nope I am 47."
Now she is feeling really good about herself. While
waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the
same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight
is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there
was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it
requires you letting me put my hands up your shirt
and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old
you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until
curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally
says, "Well, what the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under
her bra, and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay,
how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That's amazing! How
did you know?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at
McDonald's." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:52:00 PM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5000.00 and feels pretty good about
the results. On her way home she stops at a
newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she
asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the
woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon
getting her order, asks the counter girl the same
question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The
woman replies, "Nope I am 47."
Now she is feeling really good about herself. While
waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the
same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight
is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there
was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it
requires you letting me put my hands up your shirt
and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old
you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until
curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally
says, "Well, what the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under
her bra, and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay,
how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That's amazing! How
did you know?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at
McDonald's." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:52:00 PM
DID YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT VODKA?
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.
The solvent dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass
and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting
your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka
disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent
to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze
for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the
sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply
the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU! ¶ 7/22/2005 12:26:00 PM
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.
The solvent dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass
and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting
your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka
disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent
to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze
for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the
sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply
the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU! ¶ 7/22/2005 12:26:00 PM
Password
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter, "Penis." Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
***Password Rejected. Not Long Enough*** ¶ 7/22/2005 12:23:00 PM
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter, "Penis." Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
***Password Rejected. Not Long Enough*** ¶ 7/22/2005 12:23:00 PM
TERROR ALERT IN FRANCE
Paris, July 20, 2005- AP and UPI reported that
the French government has raised its terror alert
level from RUN to HIDE on their four level danger
scale. The two higher French danger levels are
Surrender and Collaborate.
According to informed sources, the rise was
precipitated by a fire yesterday which destroyed
France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
its military. In light of the recent attacks in
London, it is widely anticipated that the terror
alert will be elevated to the third level before the
weekend ¶ 7/22/2005 12:18:00 PM
Paris, July 20, 2005- AP and UPI reported that
the French government has raised its terror alert
level from RUN to HIDE on their four level danger
scale. The two higher French danger levels are
Surrender and Collaborate.
According to informed sources, the rise was
precipitated by a fire yesterday which destroyed
France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
its military. In light of the recent attacks in
London, it is widely anticipated that the terror
alert will be elevated to the third level before the
weekend ¶ 7/22/2005 12:18:00 PM
redneck patient
The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local health clinic.
"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!"
Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?" ¶ 7/22/2005 12:16:00 PM
The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local health clinic.
"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!"
Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?" ¶ 7/22/2005 12:16:00 PM
Frenchman joke
During the latest test of the rocket Ariane, a Frenchman was sent into orbit with a monkey. Each was given an envelope prior to launch.
When they had finally left the Earth's atmosphere, the monkey opened his envelope and read the instructions:
"Adjust trim, jettison fuel pods, check matter/anti-matter readings, correct course to 110 degrees and ease back on throttle controls.
Activate internal and external videos, secure all systems, check all computers and make all necessary repairs and adjustments."
Then the Frenchman opened his envelope and found the following instructions:
"Feed the monkey." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:11:00 PM
During the latest test of the rocket Ariane, a Frenchman was sent into orbit with a monkey. Each was given an envelope prior to launch.
When they had finally left the Earth's atmosphere, the monkey opened his envelope and read the instructions:
"Adjust trim, jettison fuel pods, check matter/anti-matter readings, correct course to 110 degrees and ease back on throttle controls.
Activate internal and external videos, secure all systems, check all computers and make all necessary repairs and adjustments."
Then the Frenchman opened his envelope and found the following instructions:
"Feed the monkey." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:11:00 PM
Good News
The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan,
I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:07:00 PM
The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan,
I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:07:00 PM
Medical Problem
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he
hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big
glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill
with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just
before going to bed, take the red pill with another
big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man
stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough
water." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:07:00 PM
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he
hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big
glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill
with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just
before going to bed, take the red pill with another
big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man
stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough
water." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:07:00 PM
Kids Maths
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered,
"I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked,
"And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is
four ¶ 7/22/2005 12:05:00 PM
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered,
"I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked,
"And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is
four ¶ 7/22/2005 12:05:00 PM
Bubba
Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin'
an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,
"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:00:00 PM
Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin'
an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,
"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even." ¶ 7/22/2005 12:00:00 PM
Frying Pan
This geezer is sitting reading his Sun newspaper when the wife sneaks
up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the
name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the
races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied at this and apologises, and goes off to do work
around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, what the hell was that for?"
"Your f...ing horse phoned!" ¶ 7/22/2005 11:49:00 AM
This geezer is sitting reading his Sun newspaper when the wife sneaks
up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the
name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the
races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied at this and apologises, and goes off to do work
around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, what the hell was that for?"
"Your f...ing horse phoned!" ¶ 7/22/2005 11:49:00 AM
Crafty Free Beer
My mate Mike and I stopped into the local pub for a drink. We
called the landlord over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked Mike.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the landlord.
We moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for
our order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the landlord offered to buy
them for us." says Mike.
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so
I called out to the landlord at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints." ¶ 7/22/2005 11:46:00 AM
My mate Mike and I stopped into the local pub for a drink. We
called the landlord over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked Mike.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the landlord.
We moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for
our order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the landlord offered to buy
them for us." says Mike.
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so
I called out to the landlord at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints." ¶ 7/22/2005 11:46:00 AM
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
First grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may
surprise you! While reading these, keep in mind that these are first
graders ---- 6-year-olds - because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses.........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.......................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of............................termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but................................how?
6. Don't bite the hand that.................................looks dirty.
7. No news is................................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a............................................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.................................math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust..................................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...................................pigs.
13. An idle mind is..............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...............................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...........................................not much.
17. Two's company, three's................................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...........you
have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as............................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not..................spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed......................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you..........see in the picture
on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.....................get out of the way.
The WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than............................................pregnant ¶ 7/22/2005 11:43:00 AM
First grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may
surprise you! While reading these, keep in mind that these are first
graders ---- 6-year-olds - because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses.........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.......................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of............................termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but................................how?
6. Don't bite the hand that.................................looks dirty.
7. No news is................................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a............................................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.................................math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust..................................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...................................pigs.
13. An idle mind is..............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...............................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...........................................not much.
17. Two's company, three's................................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...........you
have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as............................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not..................spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed......................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you..........see in the picture
on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.....................get out of the way.
The WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than............................................pregnant ¶ 7/22/2005 11:43:00 AM
Doing What You Asked...
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..." ¶ 7/22/2005 11:35:00 AM
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..." ¶ 7/22/2005 11:35:00 AM
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Funny Ism's
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee...
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the
other is the husband!
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted
cash...
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new
school uniforms.
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live
without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it...
True friends stab you in the front.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to
Speak
Operation
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ..your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Trains...
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and a certain Train Operating Company ...
Gentlemen,
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
¶ 7/17/2005 11:11:00 AM Friday, July 15, 2005
Complicated Golf Course
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied. "And you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, " Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know, I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said. " I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
¶ 7/15/2005 05:01:00 PM
Here's my mashie...
Two British couples were on the links....one fellow, not paying attention to his surroundings, stepped aside and took a practice swing, nearly hitting the wife of his playing partner....
"I SAY, old chum, you nearly took my wife's HEAD off, there...!"
"Sorry, old bean, here's my mashie, have a whack or two at mine!"
A very elderly..
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take all that away. But,... I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, confesses “...Yes he did”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says “You”.
Thoughts for the day...
why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough in the bank?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the
Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
longer?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
about every couple hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the
cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you
naked anyway.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a
hostage situation? ¶ 7/15/2005 03:08:00 PM
why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough in the bank?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the
Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
longer?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
about every couple hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the
cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you
naked anyway.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a
hostage situation? ¶ 7/15/2005 03:08:00 PM
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Cross an Onion with a Donkey
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: 99 times out of 100 you get an onion with long ears. But 1 time
out of 100 you get a piece of ass that makes your eyes water ¶ 7/13/2005 04:35:00 PM
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: 99 times out of 100 you get an onion with long ears. But 1 time
out of 100 you get a piece of ass that makes your eyes water ¶ 7/13/2005 04:35:00 PM
Friday, July 08, 2005
Forgot his dentures
An elderly man sat down at the table in the cruise ship dining room on his first night at sea. The waiter placed a delicious looking filet mignon in front of him. The man dug in his pockets for a moment, then swore, "Damn, I can't eat this. I forgot my dentures!"
Another man sitting across from him immediately lifted a black bag from the floor, rummaged around, then picked out a set of teeth. He handed them to the elderly man, saying, "Here, try these."
The elderly man slipped them in, then removed them. "These are too small."
The other man rummaged again, came up with another pair, then said, "How about these?"
The forgetful senior citizen tried those, tested on a bite of steak, then beamed. "These are the best fitting teeth I've ever had. You must be a genius. When we land, I want to go to your dental office for an appointment."
The other man said, "I'm afraid I don't give appointments."
"Why not?"
Because I'm not a dentist, I'm a mortician." ¶ 7/08/2005 10:08:00 AM
An elderly man sat down at the table in the cruise ship dining room on his first night at sea. The waiter placed a delicious looking filet mignon in front of him. The man dug in his pockets for a moment, then swore, "Damn, I can't eat this. I forgot my dentures!"
Another man sitting across from him immediately lifted a black bag from the floor, rummaged around, then picked out a set of teeth. He handed them to the elderly man, saying, "Here, try these."
The elderly man slipped them in, then removed them. "These are too small."
The other man rummaged again, came up with another pair, then said, "How about these?"
The forgetful senior citizen tried those, tested on a bite of steak, then beamed. "These are the best fitting teeth I've ever had. You must be a genius. When we land, I want to go to your dental office for an appointment."
The other man said, "I'm afraid I don't give appointments."
"Why not?"
Because I'm not a dentist, I'm a mortician." ¶ 7/08/2005 10:08:00 AM
Drunk Man taking a Leak
A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What the hell do you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!"
The drunk yells back, "What do you think I have, a fricken' hose?!" ¶ 7/08/2005 10:06:00 AM
A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What the hell do you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!"
The drunk yells back, "What do you think I have, a fricken' hose?!" ¶ 7/08/2005 10:06:00 AM
Monday, July 04, 2005
Poilitical Correctness
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so
please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill
us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their
heads is not a towel. but actually a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads".
Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter ¶ 7/04/2005 12:33:00 AM
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so
please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill
us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their
heads is not a towel. but actually a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads".
Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter ¶ 7/04/2005 12:33:00 AM
Stolen Pig
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the
night, intending to butcher it in the morning,
but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing
happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road,
came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever
find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now." ¶ 7/04/2005 12:30:00 AM
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the
night, intending to butcher it in the morning,
but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing
happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road,
came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever
find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now." ¶ 7/04/2005 12:30:00 AM
Giving the Wife a Break From Cooking - BBQ The Mans way
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.
Here comes the important part...
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
Important again...
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most of all...
10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women! ¶ 7/04/2005 12:29:00 AM
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.
Here comes the important part...
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
Important again...
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most of all...
10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women! ¶ 7/04/2005 12:29:00 AM
Election of a new Pope
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic church being called Pope Secola." ¶ 7/04/2005 12:27:00 AM
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic church being called Pope Secola." ¶ 7/04/2005 12:27:00 AM
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Bob
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball
at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with
them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your
usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this time." ¶ 7/02/2005 11:25:00 PM
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball
at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with
them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your
usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this time." ¶ 7/02/2005 11:25:00 PM
Two guys in court for smoking dope
Two guys in court for smoking dope...the judge says, "I'd like to give you both another chance, since this is your first offense....go out in the community over the weekend and convince whoever you can that it's bad to smoke dope....I'll see you back here on Monday!"
The first guy comes into court and says, "Judge, I convinced 14 people to quit drugs....I showed 'em two circles, like this: O o .....and told 'em the left one was their brain without drugs, and the right one was their brain after smoking dope...."
"Very admirable," said the judge...tuening to the other guy, he asked what kind of success he'd had.
"Your honor, I convinced 156 people to give it up!" the stoner replied. "I showed 'em the same two circles, O and o and told 'em the little one was their asshole at present, and the big one was their asshole after landing in the slammer!" ¶ 7/02/2005 11:17:00 PM
Two guys in court for smoking dope...the judge says, "I'd like to give you both another chance, since this is your first offense....go out in the community over the weekend and convince whoever you can that it's bad to smoke dope....I'll see you back here on Monday!"
The first guy comes into court and says, "Judge, I convinced 14 people to quit drugs....I showed 'em two circles, like this: O o .....and told 'em the left one was their brain without drugs, and the right one was their brain after smoking dope...."
"Very admirable," said the judge...tuening to the other guy, he asked what kind of success he'd had.
"Your honor, I convinced 156 people to give it up!" the stoner replied. "I showed 'em the same two circles, O and o and told 'em the little one was their asshole at present, and the big one was their asshole after landing in the slammer!" ¶ 7/02/2005 11:17:00 PM
An attorney arrived home...
An attorney arrived home late one night after an extremely fraught day at the office trying to achieve a stay of execution for his client, one William Wright who was due to be hanged at midnight. Despite pleading for clemency to the governor he failed to get a judicial review and he was gutted, Emotionally drained and totally washed out.
As soon as he walked through the door his wife started! "What time do you call this? where have you been until this hour?you've been playing golf again haven't you?" On and on she went but he was too tired to play his part in this latest domestic battle and went to the drinks cupboard, poured himself a large bourbon and downed it in one. Once again he poured himself a drink and took it through to the hot tub and relaxed ignoring his wife's tirade.
While he was in the tub his wife took a phone call informing her husband that Wright's execution had been deferred and realising what a crap day her husband had endured relented and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she entered the bathroom her husband was bent down with his back to her towelling himself off when she said, "They are not hanging Wright tonight"
The attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For Christ's sake woman, don't you ever stop?" ¶ 7/02/2005 08:19:00 PM
An attorney arrived home late one night after an extremely fraught day at the office trying to achieve a stay of execution for his client, one William Wright who was due to be hanged at midnight. Despite pleading for clemency to the governor he failed to get a judicial review and he was gutted, Emotionally drained and totally washed out.
As soon as he walked through the door his wife started! "What time do you call this? where have you been until this hour?you've been playing golf again haven't you?" On and on she went but he was too tired to play his part in this latest domestic battle and went to the drinks cupboard, poured himself a large bourbon and downed it in one. Once again he poured himself a drink and took it through to the hot tub and relaxed ignoring his wife's tirade.
While he was in the tub his wife took a phone call informing her husband that Wright's execution had been deferred and realising what a crap day her husband had endured relented and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she entered the bathroom her husband was bent down with his back to her towelling himself off when she said, "They are not hanging Wright tonight"
The attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For Christ's sake woman, don't you ever stop?" ¶ 7/02/2005 08:19:00 PM
Friday, July 01, 2005
The Old Cock Inn
An address from the local telephone directory:
Miss Lucy Lykes.
The "Old Cock Inn"
Tillet.
Herts.
UK
An old joke...
Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a great old pub called "The Cock Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.
Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At 4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his head.
The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, "How far is The Cock Inn?" ¶ 7/01/2005 11:10:00 AM
An address from the local telephone directory:
Miss Lucy Lykes.
The "Old Cock Inn"
Tillet.
Herts.
UK
An old joke...
Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a great old pub called "The Cock Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.
Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At 4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his head.
The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, "How far is The Cock Inn?" ¶ 7/01/2005 11:10:00 AM
Nurses Revenge...
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!" ¶ 7/01/2005 11:05:00 AM
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!" ¶ 7/01/2005 11:05:00 AM
THE LEWINSKY and KACZYNSKI LIMERICK
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational". The requirements this week were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same limerick. The following winning entries, remember, were printed in the newspaper.
Third place:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off of your chinsky."
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown. ¶ 7/01/2005 11:03:00 AM
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational". The requirements this week were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same limerick. The following winning entries, remember, were printed in the newspaper.
Third place:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off of your chinsky."
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown. ¶ 7/01/2005 11:03:00 AM
Cowboy from Texas
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers.
When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.
The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?"
The cowboy turned back and said,
"I had to walk home!" ¶ 7/01/2005 11:02:00 AM
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers.
When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.
The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?"
The cowboy turned back and said,
"I had to walk home!" ¶ 7/01/2005 11:02:00 AM
A juggler...
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "
The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives.
Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now! ¶ 7/01/2005 11:01:00 AM
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "
The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives.
Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now! ¶ 7/01/2005 11:01:00 AM
