'Tickling the Bone'
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Who is this?
This good looking man walks into an agents office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway....
he had all the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said "my name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said, Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name.
"I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever !"
The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian !! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together" the guy said....and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck....who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed......
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick Van Dyke ¶ 6/30/2005 05:44:00 PM
This good looking man walks into an agents office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway....
he had all the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said "my name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said, Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name.
"I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever !"
The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian !! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together" the guy said....and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck....who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed......
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick Van Dyke ¶ 6/30/2005 05:44:00 PM
The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie ¶ 6/30/2005 03:06:00 PM
An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie ¶ 6/30/2005 03:06:00 PM
Effective body language
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more
effective body language.
"Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast.
When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When
you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times." ¶ 6/30/2005 12:16:00 AM
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more
effective body language.
"Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast.
When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When
you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times." ¶ 6/30/2005 12:16:00 AM
Sex Education
"Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day" cures chronic depression ¶ 6/30/2005 12:14:00 AM
"Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day" cures chronic depression ¶ 6/30/2005 12:14:00 AM
Phone keeps ringing...
The following is supposedly a true story.
Here's What You Do
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number." ¶ 6/30/2005 12:13:00 AM
The following is supposedly a true story.
Here's What You Do
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number." ¶ 6/30/2005 12:13:00 AM
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Daft Definitions
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. ¶ 6/29/2005 10:39:00 PM
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. ¶ 6/29/2005 10:39:00 PM
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Question: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Answer: Marry it... ¶ 6/28/2005 11:11:00 PM
Question: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Answer: Marry it... ¶ 6/28/2005 11:11:00 PM
Father and Son
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." ¶ 6/28/2005 11:11:00 PM
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." ¶ 6/28/2005 11:11:00 PM
Hassid (Click for definition !)
A Hassid is standing by a hotel bar about an hour
before shabbos all dressed up in his special
Shabbos clothes. A magnificent looking blonde air
hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts
that are just waiting to envelop you, has just finished
checking in, and is on her way to the lifts, when she
sees the Hassid. She stops dead in her tracks and
walks over to him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hullo," he answers.
"I have a confession to make to you," she says.
He nods.
"I have a sexual fantasy."
He nods again.
"I want to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my
hands up and down his white silk socks, run my
hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my
fingers through his beautiful beard, and play with
his payess. in fact I want you now, and I have a
room upstairs. Will you join me for half an hour?"
He looks at her thoughtfully and says,
"And what's in it for me?" ¶ 6/28/2005 11:06:00 AM
A Hassid is standing by a hotel bar about an hour
before shabbos all dressed up in his special
Shabbos clothes. A magnificent looking blonde air
hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts
that are just waiting to envelop you, has just finished
checking in, and is on her way to the lifts, when she
sees the Hassid. She stops dead in her tracks and
walks over to him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hullo," he answers.
"I have a confession to make to you," she says.
He nods.
"I have a sexual fantasy."
He nods again.
"I want to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my
hands up and down his white silk socks, run my
hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my
fingers through his beautiful beard, and play with
his payess. in fact I want you now, and I have a
room upstairs. Will you join me for half an hour?"
He looks at her thoughtfully and says,
"And what's in it for me?" ¶ 6/28/2005 11:06:00 AM
The United Way - The Lawyers Way
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So, a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his expensive office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way??
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Ooh...no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheel chair, and is unable to support his wife and six children. The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, I'm sorry, I had no idea."
The lawyer then says, "So, if I don't give money to them, what makes you think I would give any to you?" ¶ 6/28/2005 11:05:00 AM
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So, a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his expensive office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way??
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Ooh...no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheel chair, and is unable to support his wife and six children. The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, I'm sorry, I had no idea."
The lawyer then says, "So, if I don't give money to them, what makes you think I would give any to you?" ¶ 6/28/2005 11:05:00 AM
Cold Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" ¶ 6/28/2005 11:02:00 AM
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" ¶ 6/28/2005 11:02:00 AM
Monday, June 27, 2005
FBI and marijuana
Hello, is this the F B I ?"
"Yes, What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call,
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at
Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah! "
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"YEP!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy."
Who says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright? ¶ 6/27/2005 10:52:00 AM
Hello, is this the F B I ?"
"Yes, What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call,
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at
Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah! "
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"YEP!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy."
Who says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright? ¶ 6/27/2005 10:52:00 AM
Finest Less
I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep....
"A glass of your finest Less, please."
"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure," I replied...
"It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'" ¶ 6/27/2005 10:48:00 AM
I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep....
"A glass of your finest Less, please."
"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure," I replied...
"It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'" ¶ 6/27/2005 10:48:00 AM
Health Exam
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.
"After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern." He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old jerk," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January." ¶ 6/27/2005 10:46:00 AM
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.
"After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern." He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old jerk," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January." ¶ 6/27/2005 10:46:00 AM
Divine Right
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.
"Yes, I see," he says. "And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" ¶ 6/27/2005 10:45:00 AM
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.
"Yes, I see," he says. "And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" ¶ 6/27/2005 10:45:00 AM
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Two Priests
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined
to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify
them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist"
garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father,
Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then
she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were
priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw
them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string,
taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of
them, said "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," and started to walk
away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know; how in the world
do you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen." ¶ 6/26/2005 07:55:00 AM
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined
to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify
them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist"
garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father,
Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then
she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were
priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw
them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string,
taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of
them, said "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," and started to walk
away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know; how in the world
do you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen." ¶ 6/26/2005 07:55:00 AM
A man and a woman were...
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed
that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table,
with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your
husband just slid under the table. "The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." ¶ 6/26/2005 07:40:00 AM
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed
that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table,
with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your
husband just slid under the table. "The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." ¶ 6/26/2005 07:40:00 AM
The Screw
It's the Spring in 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.
"That's cool." Says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "For Christ sake Dad! It's called the Twist!" ¶ 6/26/2005 07:39:00 AM
It's the Spring in 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.
"That's cool." Says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "For Christ sake Dad! It's called the Twist!" ¶ 6/26/2005 07:39:00 AM
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
New Zealand Problem...
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the hilth munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
"Shuuuuuut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!" "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...
Britain?..."
"No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
"What about Australia?"
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of
boxes. A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches
thick, all coloured green and gold.
She then notices in small writing on each and every one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM ¶ 6/22/2005 11:27:00 PM
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the hilth munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
"Shuuuuuut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!" "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...
Britain?..."
"No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
"What about Australia?"
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of
boxes. A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches
thick, all coloured green and gold.
She then notices in small writing on each and every one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM ¶ 6/22/2005 11:27:00 PM
Twins
When Laura was three months pregnant she fell into a deep coma. Six months later, she awoke and asked the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," the doctor told her. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."
"Oh no, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replied.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asked, "And what did he call the boy?"
The doctor answered, "Denephew." ¶ 6/22/2005 11:19:00 PM
When Laura was three months pregnant she fell into a deep coma. Six months later, she awoke and asked the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," the doctor told her. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."
"Oh no, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replied.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asked, "And what did he call the boy?"
The doctor answered, "Denephew." ¶ 6/22/2005 11:19:00 PM
Ukraninian Fire Department
One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the
local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the
vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to
the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be
called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president
shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who
could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Wakaw rural township volunteer fire department composed
mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these
Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant
and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Wakaw old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve
gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!" ¶ 6/22/2005 11:18:00 PM
One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the
local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the
vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to
the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be
called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president
shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who
could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Wakaw rural township volunteer fire department composed
mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these
Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant
and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Wakaw old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve
gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!" ¶ 6/22/2005 11:18:00 PM
Subject: New Scam (Warning for Ladies)
URGENT! KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THIS SCAM!
Subject: New Scam
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit.
What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well enhanced young man comes up with muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full potential, he pretends to wash your windshield.
While he is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car.
They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday --- I couldn't find them on Sunday. ¶ 6/22/2005 11:14:00 PM
URGENT! KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THIS SCAM!
Subject: New Scam
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit.
What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well enhanced young man comes up with muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full potential, he pretends to wash your windshield.
While he is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car.
They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday --- I couldn't find them on Sunday. ¶ 6/22/2005 11:14:00 PM
The Pastor's horse
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in
the races.
At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was
so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the
races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
"Pastor's Ass Shows."
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won!
The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front."
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass."
The bishop was fit to be tied.
He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00."
After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
"Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free."
The bishop was buried the next day. ¶ 6/22/2005 11:11:00 PM
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in
the races.
At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was
so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the
races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
"Pastor's Ass Shows."
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won!
The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front."
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass."
The bishop was fit to be tied.
He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00."
After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
"Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free."
The bishop was buried the next day. ¶ 6/22/2005 11:11:00 PM
Saturday, June 18, 2005
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the man replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
To which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
The man replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch." ¶ 6/18/2005 01:04:00 AM
A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the man replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
To which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
The man replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch." ¶ 6/18/2005 01:04:00 AM
Friday, June 17, 2005
A Texan walks into a pub...
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." ¶ 6/17/2005 01:13:00 AM
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." ¶ 6/17/2005 01:13:00 AM
Dear Lord," the vicar began...
Dear Lord," the vicar began, with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust...."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill, little girl voice: "Mummy? What is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.... ¶ 6/17/2005 01:08:00 AM
Dear Lord," the vicar began, with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust...."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill, little girl voice: "Mummy? What is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.... ¶ 6/17/2005 01:08:00 AM
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Local Child in Custody Battle
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week in Maidstone, Kent (UK) when he challenged a recent ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy had a long history of being beaten by his parents and the Magistrates had duly awarded custody to his Aunt.
However, the boy confirmed that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the Magistrate suggested that he lived with is Grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
In a landmark decision, the Magistrate dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
Custody was granted to Gillingham FC this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone. ¶ 6/16/2005 01:02:00 AM
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week in Maidstone, Kent (UK) when he challenged a recent ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy had a long history of being beaten by his parents and the Magistrates had duly awarded custody to his Aunt.
However, the boy confirmed that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the Magistrate suggested that he lived with is Grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
In a landmark decision, the Magistrate dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
Custody was granted to Gillingham FC this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone. ¶ 6/16/2005 01:02:00 AM
The Essex Blonde at the New London Casino
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman from Essex arrived and bet twenty-thousand
pounds (20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, this girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral -
Not all Essex girls are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all
men are men. ¶ 6/16/2005 12:48:00 AM
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman from Essex arrived and bet twenty-thousand
pounds (20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, this girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral -
Not all Essex girls are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all
men are men. ¶ 6/16/2005 12:48:00 AM
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Father of my Child
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but MAYBE, during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!" ¶ 6/14/2005 10:52:00 PM
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but MAYBE, during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!" ¶ 6/14/2005 10:52:00 PM
Remembering Good Ole Bill
There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Curly, Larry, and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.. ¶ 6/14/2005 01:06:00 PM
There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Curly, Larry, and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.. ¶ 6/14/2005 01:06:00 PM
A VERY CLEVER POTATO STORY
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,which they called 'Yam.
'Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,'and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds,or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw(US)/John Motson(UK).
"Tom Brokaw(US)/John Motson(UK)", Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw(US)/John Motson(UK) because he's just.......
A COMMON TATER ¶ 6/14/2005 12:56:00 PM
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,which they called 'Yam.
'Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,'and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds,or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw(US)/John Motson(UK).
"Tom Brokaw(US)/John Motson(UK)", Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw(US)/John Motson(UK) because he's just.......
A COMMON TATER ¶ 6/14/2005 12:56:00 PM
Monday, June 13, 2005
Irish have sent two warships to Iraq....
The Irish have sent two warships to Iraq....
One of them is filled with sand and the other is filled with cement.
Apparently they are obviously planning a mortar attack!! ¶ 6/13/2005 11:19:00 AM
The Irish have sent two warships to Iraq....
One of them is filled with sand and the other is filled with cement.
Apparently they are obviously planning a mortar attack!! ¶ 6/13/2005 11:19:00 AM
Difference between a pun and a fart?
Do you know the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a sudden shift of wit! ¶ 6/13/2005 11:04:00 AM
Do you know the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a sudden shift of wit! ¶ 6/13/2005 11:04:00 AM
Paddy goes into a builder’s yard...
Paddy goes into a builder’s yard & orders 25,000 bricks.“What for?”, asks the foreman.“For a barbecue”, says Paddy.“You don’t need 25,000 bricks for a barbecue”, says the foreman.“You do if you live on the 19th floor of a tower block”, says Paddy. ¶ 6/13/2005 11:01:00 AM
Paddy goes into a builder’s yard & orders 25,000 bricks.“What for?”, asks the foreman.“For a barbecue”, says Paddy.“You don’t need 25,000 bricks for a barbecue”, says the foreman.“You do if you live on the 19th floor of a tower block”, says Paddy. ¶ 6/13/2005 11:01:00 AM
The Nagging Wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." ¶ 6/13/2005 10:57:00 AM
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." ¶ 6/13/2005 10:57:00 AM
Jumbo Box of Condoms
A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he poops in little plastic baggies!" ¶ 6/13/2005 10:56:00 AM
A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he poops in little plastic baggies!" ¶ 6/13/2005 10:56:00 AM
