'Tickling the Bone'
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
California vintners in the Napa Valley
California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produces Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night. They will bemarketing the new wine as Pinot More.
¶ 1/27/2005 09:57:00 AM
California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produces Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night. They will bemarketing the new wine as Pinot More.
¶ 1/27/2005 09:57:00 AM
An eccentric philosophy professor
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the prof picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. What did he write, they asked. "What chair?"
¶ 1/27/2005 09:06:00 AM
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the prof picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. What did he write, they asked. "What chair?"
¶ 1/27/2005 09:06:00 AM
A young blonde woman had been taking golf lessons
A young blonde woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was her reply.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said,"Then your stance is too wide."
¶ 1/27/2005 09:04:00 AM
All the organs of the body were having a meeting
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.""I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away.""I should be in charge," said the stomach, "becauseI process food and give all of you energy.""I should be in charge" said the legs, "because carrythe body wherever it needs to go.""I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because Iallow the body to see where it goes.""I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge.
¶ 1/27/2005 09:03:00 AM
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Mrs Jone Surgery
mrs jones wakes up after vaginal surgery, where she had her labia trimmed and a general tighten up, to find 3 roses at the bottom of her bed... she asks a nurse where they came from, and the nurse tells her that the 1st was from her surgeon for being such a model patient, and the second was from her husband who was looking forward to trying the new, tighter her... 'And the 3rd?' she asked...
.
.
'That's from mr smith in the burns unit, to thank you for the new ears' ¶ 1/11/2005 08:55:00 PM
mrs jones wakes up after vaginal surgery, where she had her labia trimmed and a general tighten up, to find 3 roses at the bottom of her bed... she asks a nurse where they came from, and the nurse tells her that the 1st was from her surgeon for being such a model patient, and the second was from her husband who was looking forward to trying the new, tighter her... 'And the 3rd?' she asked...
.
.
'That's from mr smith in the burns unit, to thank you for the new ears' ¶ 1/11/2005 08:55:00 PM
New Elvis Song about Lisa Marie & Michael Jackson
Sent to me from some friends in Fort Worth.
Click to here the song
¶ 1/11/2005 01:53:00 AM
Sent to me from some friends in Fort Worth.
Click to here the song
¶ 1/11/2005 01:53:00 AM
Sisters!!! Sisters!!!!
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the side of the parking lot is astone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door isanswered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"...He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."..... "Very well my son. Please follow me."He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door"............. He does as he is told and another nun in a longhabit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....... He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup..... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........As the door locks behind him, he finds himself backin the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWEDBY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT,YOU SINNER
¶ 1/11/2005 01:47:00 AM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the side of the parking lot is astone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door isanswered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"...He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."..... "Very well my son. Please follow me."He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door"............. He does as he is told and another nun in a longhabit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....... He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup..... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........As the door locks behind him, he finds himself backin the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWEDBY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT,YOU SINNER
¶ 1/11/2005 01:47:00 AM
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Real Court Quotes
1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and he had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All of my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on
him."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a bowl."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."
22. From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
23. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
24. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
25. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's
motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
26. Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not
a damn thing.
27. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to
say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
28. Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
29. Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
¶ 1/02/2005 02:16:00 AM
1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and he had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All of my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on
him."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a bowl."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."
22. From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
23. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
24. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
25. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's
motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
26. Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not
a damn thing.
27. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to
say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
28. Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
29. Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
¶ 1/02/2005 02:16:00 AM
Saturday, January 01, 2005
A survey was conducted...
A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of
the night:5% said it was to get a glass of water... 12% said it was to go to
the toilet... 83% said it was to go home!!!
¶ 1/01/2005 07:10:00 PM
A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of
the night:5% said it was to get a glass of water... 12% said it was to go to
the toilet... 83% said it was to go home!!!
¶ 1/01/2005 07:10:00 PM
