'Tickling the Bone'
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Monday, December 20, 2004
Sunday, December 19, 2004
The 12 STIs Of Christmas
The 12 STIs Of Christmas
If this don't have you itching...
And it was paid for by the NHS of all people... ¶ 12/19/2004 01:32:00 AM
The 12 STIs Of Christmas
If this don't have you itching...
And it was paid for by the NHS of all people... ¶ 12/19/2004 01:32:00 AM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Nautical Tales
Need to be an ex-matelote to appreciate this one...
At the tender age of seventeen I was on watch on the flagdeck of the good
ship Bulwark.
I had strict instructions from the Chief Yeoman that in the event I saw
black smoke coming out the funnel, I was to inform the bridge immediately.
Unfortunately, the Chief Yeoman failed to point out that there were actually
two funnels within the only big one that I could see.
For days my eyes were transfixed on this funnel, just waiting for one bit of
black smoke to appear and inform all Russian submarines within 100 miles our
position. Suddenly, my dreams were realised. A mass of thick black smoke
billowed out and I lunged for the microphone to report this breach of
national security. The report was as follows:
"Bridge - Flag deck?"
"Bridge!"
"We're making black smoke"
"Which end signalman?"
"The fucking top end."
"Signalman report to the bridge."
I legged it down to the bridge wondering, in my moment of triumph, why
something had gone sadly wrong.
The Navigating Officer, to whom I had been speaking unknowingly, because it
should have been another signalman at the end of the microphone left me in
no doubt what had gone sadly wrong.
1. Swearing at an officer
2. Not being aware that the reason the apparently stupid question had been
asked was that they needed to know which funnel the smoke was coming from to
inform the appropriate engine room.
It was only the skipper rolling around the bridge holding his ribs that
stopped me ending up on Jimmy's report.
¶ 12/16/2004 09:51:00 PM
Need to be an ex-matelote to appreciate this one...
At the tender age of seventeen I was on watch on the flagdeck of the good
ship Bulwark.
I had strict instructions from the Chief Yeoman that in the event I saw
black smoke coming out the funnel, I was to inform the bridge immediately.
Unfortunately, the Chief Yeoman failed to point out that there were actually
two funnels within the only big one that I could see.
For days my eyes were transfixed on this funnel, just waiting for one bit of
black smoke to appear and inform all Russian submarines within 100 miles our
position. Suddenly, my dreams were realised. A mass of thick black smoke
billowed out and I lunged for the microphone to report this breach of
national security. The report was as follows:
"Bridge - Flag deck?"
"Bridge!"
"We're making black smoke"
"Which end signalman?"
"The fucking top end."
"Signalman report to the bridge."
I legged it down to the bridge wondering, in my moment of triumph, why
something had gone sadly wrong.
The Navigating Officer, to whom I had been speaking unknowingly, because it
should have been another signalman at the end of the microphone left me in
no doubt what had gone sadly wrong.
1. Swearing at an officer
2. Not being aware that the reason the apparently stupid question had been
asked was that they needed to know which funnel the smoke was coming from to
inform the appropriate engine room.
It was only the skipper rolling around the bridge holding his ribs that
stopped me ending up on Jimmy's report.
¶ 12/16/2004 09:51:00 PM
Officer fitness reports
The British Military writes EPR's an officer fitness reports. The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his [family jewels] from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
¶ 12/16/2004 09:31:00 PM
The British Military writes EPR's an officer fitness reports. The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his [family jewels] from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
¶ 12/16/2004 09:31:00 PM
A young matelote wanted to purchase a gift...
A young matelote wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday
and as they had not been dating very long he sought advice from her sister.
After careful consideration, and bearing in mind some advice from the
sister, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic
but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Marks and
Spencer's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves leaving the panties to go to the sweetheart..
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it
to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been
wearing
for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was
there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will
come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you
take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I
will kiss them during the coming year !
All my love,
Bungy
P.S. I believe the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.
¶ 12/16/2004 09:27:00 PM
A young matelote wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday
and as they had not been dating very long he sought advice from her sister.
After careful consideration, and bearing in mind some advice from the
sister, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic
but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Marks and
Spencer's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves leaving the panties to go to the sweetheart..
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it
to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been
wearing
for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was
there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will
come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you
take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I
will kiss them during the coming year !
All my love,
Bungy
P.S. I believe the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.
¶ 12/16/2004 09:27:00 PM
Fluctuations
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000
yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around
and shouted, "And Fluc you Americans, too!"
¶ 12/16/2004 09:26:00 PM
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000
yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around
and shouted, "And Fluc you Americans, too!"
¶ 12/16/2004 09:26:00 PM
Whispering Child
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the
boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone else there in your house?" The boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the
fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed in
the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle:
"Me."
¶ 12/16/2004 09:11:00 PM
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the
boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone else there in your house?" The boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the
fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed in
the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle:
"Me."
¶ 12/16/2004 09:11:00 PM
How to stay so young at 78 !!!
"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you
again?"
"I am 78." The man said.
"78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a
60 year old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she
got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go
outside to settle down." the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
¶ 12/16/2004 09:11:00 PM
"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you
again?"
"I am 78." The man said.
"78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a
60 year old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she
got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go
outside to settle down." the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
¶ 12/16/2004 09:11:00 PM
A man was in an accident...
A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off.
He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after
careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for
$2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000.
I realise it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with
your
wife."
When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly
at the floor.
"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife
says she'd rather have a new kitchen."
¶ 12/16/2004 09:05:00 PM
A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off.
He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after
careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for
$2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000.
I realise it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with
your
wife."
When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly
at the floor.
"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife
says she'd rather have a new kitchen."
¶ 12/16/2004 09:05:00 PM
Little Johnny and Susie...
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.
"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room.
It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?"
"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's
should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."
¶ 12/16/2004 09:05:00 PM
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.
"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room.
It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?"
"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's
should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."
¶ 12/16/2004 09:05:00 PM
A successful businessman flew to Vegas ...
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
¶ 12/16/2004 01:10:00 AM
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
¶ 12/16/2004 01:10:00 AM
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Quote of the Week:
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy
when I had $48 million." - Arnold Schwarzenegger
¶ 12/14/2004 08:53:00 PM
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy
when I had $48 million." - Arnold Schwarzenegger
¶ 12/14/2004 08:53:00 PM
Monday, December 13, 2004
It's a Wonderful Life ( in 30 seconds with bunnies )
"It's a Wonderful Life in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies."
¶ 12/13/2004 11:42:00 PM
"It's a Wonderful Life in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies."
¶ 12/13/2004 11:42:00 PM
Two mexicans lost in the dessert
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the dessert for weeks and they are at deaths door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, though the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe", says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree! We're saved!".
"You're right amigo!", says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there is the sound of machine gun fire and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa, hombre?"
With his dying breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run! Ees not a bacon tree! Ees a...Ees a..."
"Yes, Pepe? Ees a what..?"
"Ees... a... ham bush!"
¶ 12/13/2004 11:37:00 PM
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe", says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree! We're saved!".
"You're right amigo!", says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there is the sound of machine gun fire and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa, hombre?"
With his dying breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run! Ees not a bacon tree! Ees a...Ees a..."
"Yes, Pepe? Ees a what..?"
"Ees... a... ham bush!"
Sunday, December 12, 2004
A duck walks into a pub..
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my
sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road",
explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues
for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the
circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the
big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
¶ 12/12/2004 02:09:00 PM
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my
sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road",
explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues
for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the
circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the
big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
¶ 12/12/2004 02:09:00 PM
Man, Duck, Pig...
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "This is the
pig I've been shagging".
His wife said "That's not a pig it's a duck!"
Man says "I was talking to the duck!"
¶ 12/12/2004 02:02:00 PM
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "This is the
pig I've been shagging".
His wife said "That's not a pig it's a duck!"
Man says "I was talking to the duck!"
¶ 12/12/2004 02:02:00 PM
Christmas Song...
A classic from Kevin 'B' Wilson...
http://www.kevfm.com/animations/xmas.htm
¶ 12/12/2004 01:48:00 PM
A classic from Kevin 'B' Wilson...
http://www.kevfm.com/animations/xmas.htm
¶ 12/12/2004 01:48:00 PM
Friday, December 10, 2004
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room.
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
¶ 12/10/2004 10:06:00 AM
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room.
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
¶ 12/10/2004 10:06:00 AM
Pastor Fuzz
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened
to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar,
drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a
member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of
the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their
balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top
of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't
have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand,
I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as
well finish the job."
¶ 12/10/2004 10:00:00 AM
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened
to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar,
drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a
member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of
the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their
balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top
of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't
have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand,
I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as
well finish the job."
¶ 12/10/2004 10:00:00 AM
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo
¶ 12/10/2004 09:57:00 AM
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo
¶ 12/10/2004 09:57:00 AM
Pick up Line
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was
testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?", she asks.
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...".
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am
wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!"
¶ 12/10/2004 09:57:00 AM
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was
testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?", she asks.
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...".
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am
wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!"
¶ 12/10/2004 09:57:00 AM
Thursday, December 02, 2004
A man and a woman are sitting in the First Class...
A man and a woman are sitting in the First Class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and replies, "Pepper."
¶ 12/02/2004 09:19:00 PM
Psychiatrist
Things have not been so good this past few weeks, so I phoned up my psychiatrist and told him that I might have suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.
¶ 12/02/2004 09:17:00 PM
Things have not been so good this past few weeks, so I phoned up my psychiatrist and told him that I might have suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.
¶ 12/02/2004 09:17:00 PM
RODNEY - ISMS
I tell ya, with my wife I got no sex life. Just when I get going, she wakes up.
With my wife I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night tryin to find out what car she was in.
With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat.
I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.
¶ 12/02/2004 09:13:00 PM
I tell ya, with my wife I got no sex life. Just when I get going, she wakes up.
With my wife I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night tryin to find out what car she was in.
With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat.
I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.
¶ 12/02/2004 09:13:00 PM
A guy walks into a clinic ...
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it. The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think i could have a urine test done?"
¶ 12/02/2004 09:09:00 PM
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it. The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think i could have a urine test done?"
¶ 12/02/2004 09:09:00 PM
This guy is flying down the road..
This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of
the bridge and pulls him over. The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks,
"What's the hurry?" The guy says, "I'm late for work.
"'What do you do?" The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop
says, "What? A rectum stretcher?" The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a
finger, then work my way up to two fingers...eventually I get a hand in,
then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?" "Well, you give him
a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....
¶ 12/02/2004 05:45:00 PM
This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of
the bridge and pulls him over. The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks,
"What's the hurry?" The guy says, "I'm late for work.
"'What do you do?" The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop
says, "What? A rectum stretcher?" The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a
finger, then work my way up to two fingers...eventually I get a hand in,
then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?" "Well, you give him
a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....
¶ 12/02/2004 05:45:00 PM
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously.....
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. If you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked
something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
33. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
34 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the
heck happened.
¶ 12/02/2004 05:29:00 PM
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. If you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked
something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
33. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
34 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the
heck happened.
¶ 12/02/2004 05:29:00 PM
